32 Weeks

this is the definition of "cooked": no makeup, hair not done... this might be as good as it gets from here on out, folks.

How far along: 32 weeks
Gender: Baby girl
Weight gain:  24 pounds 
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. And wedding ring is out! :(
Sleep: Was horrendous, but is slowly getting better (and I probably just jinxed it).
Worst moment(s) this week: I had a perfectly nice perinatologist walk into my appointment (when I expected a NP) and got my hopes up that he could be someone I really like (and maybe see more than once?), only to have him say as he left "well, good luck if I don't see you again".  Seriously!? So, of course, then I had more mid-night mental arguments with faceless perinatologists before finally resolving to be patient for a few more weeks before calling the neonatologist and demanding he instruct his people to watch every move the perinatologist makes when getting baby out "because these people don't know that the hell they are doing".  Oh, then there was the time that I googled "pregnancy itching at night" and learned I could possibly have a liver condition that could harm baby's liver and cause stillbirth.  So, blood tests, here I come!
Best moment(s) this week: Passing our first "real" non-stress test!  And, strangely enough for me, looking forward to my baby shower.  I have been more than usually reluctant this time, because I didn't see the point in having to dictate clothing options, and have sometimes been lost in a land of worry, etc. etc.  But the thought of this shower is really helping me tip the scales less toward worrying and more toward the realization that this baby girl will be a baby first and foremost.  She'll be cute and cuddly and new and wonderful and all those new baby things.  She will not just be her needs or her condition.  And in the vacuum that is expectancy of a child with "something wrong"... sometimes it's hard to see that, especially when it's buried under the layers of all that comes with it.
Miss anything: Sleep, glorious sleep...
Movement: There've been a few times I've been worried.  But I can always count on her moving a bunch as I'm laying the boys down to bed.  The promise of twice-weekly non-stress tests is definitely helping to ease my mind.
Cravings: I really wish fruit featured more heavily in my diet these days.  More fruit and less chocolate would be great. 
Queasy or sick: Nope! 
Looking forward to: My very last day of work next Thursday!  (Whoa!)

**Update on perinatologist visits: Baby is looking good on non-stress tests.  For the second test, I ate a snack and had some cold water in the waiting room like they suggested, and she performed beautifully.  After sufficiently freaking myself out with Google, I decided to mention the itching to the CNM I saw on Friday.

They ran panels for my liver function to test for cholestasis, a pregnancy-induced condition where hormones make the transport of bile to the liver slow down and it builds up in your bloodstream.  This means that it taxes not only your own liver, but baby's as well, since the blood supply is shared (thank you, symbiosis!).  I won't get the results back for at least a week, but have started on prescription medication and a self-prescribed supplement in the meantime, just in case.  While an earlier delivery at 37 weeks sounds heavenly, I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have cholestasis.  Poor baby doesn't need another hurdle to leap over!

They did a quick ultrasound to check my fluid (looking good! yea!) and she was head down and face down.  I became convinced she was stuck that way and later laid tilted up on pillows to try and get her unstuck.  I don't know if I succeeded, but there've been a couple of dicey moments with the movement.  When she shifts big, it's painful because a rigid right foot or a bent out left knee will poke something and I have to brace for impact...

C keeps asking me when I go to my "doctor's ma-ppointment" if they're going to "take her out".  I keep telling him "not today".  On Friday, we braved up and took the boys to the ultrasound and to see the CNM, just for fun.  Bad idea.  They will never be coming to another "ma-ppointment" again!


~Nichole

30 Weeks and 31 Weeks

How far along: 31 weeks
Gender: Girl (except for the last couple of days when I've been in a Twilight Zone thinking it's a "he"... What!?)
Weight gain:  23 pounds 
Maternity clothes: Increasingly.  (boo.)
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. But my wedding ring is very nearly "out".
Sleep: OMG.  So BAD, you guys!  I start getting itchy right about the time I am falling into sleep.  And the peeing.  And the children... ugh. Last "night", I didn't get to sleep until around 3:30 in the morning!
Worst moment these past two weeks: I can't remember back that far, but feeling a little panicked over how to get her into an infant seat was not fun.  And this morning was a little tough.  I was turning to drop the boys off and saw a man crossing the street with a significant (possibly club-footed) limp and some limitation of his upper limbs too and it unhinged me.  It made me sad about what the world does to people who are "different" and made me pray my daughter has the strength of character to withstand it. 
Best moment(s) these past two weeks: I finally finished the NICU smocks!  And today was my going away party at work!  As much as I resisted it, it was good to say "see ya" to people I've worked with over the last 7.5 years.  Also, I came across this website, and Tracy's newborn photos are the closest I've found online to what I'm seeing on ultrasound - except my baby's legs are opposite from how hers are.
Miss anything: Sleep! 
Movement: Sometimes downright stealthy, which freaks me out.  And also late at night (and all night long), which makes me feel better.
Cravings: I need me some Waffle Love.
Queasy or sick: Nope! 
Looking forward to: Upcoming twice weekly non-stress tests and weekly ultrasounds.  AND potty training C, version 2.0.  AND switching A to cloth diapers.  (In other words, there's a lot of poop in my near future!)


~Nichole

29 Weeks

How far along: 29 weeks
Gender: Girl!
Weight gain:  20 pounds 
Maternity clothes: Increasingly.  (boo.)
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. At my last ultrasound, the tech said my button was "so small".  I would definitely counter that it's not so much small as very deep... (also, my wedding ring is still on...but there've been a few times I thought it'd have to come off for good!)
Sleep: Ugh.  The peeing (and the renewed pregnancy-induced caffeine sensitivity) keeping me up have NOT been my friends.
Worst moment this week: Feeling frustrated with the whole perinatologist situation.  Hopefully a frank conversation with whomever we see tomorrow will do the trick!  Runner Up: Feeling emotionally fragile after watching this video late one night.  It left me feeling hopeful and amazed, but also pretty scared. 
Best moment this week: We had the BEST time in Sedona last weekend!  Every part of it - with the exception of trying to make two little boys behave in the 470 sq. ft. studio condo - was really very fun! 
Miss anything: Cooking dinner without having to sit down because I feel like I might pass out.
Movement: Yes.  I can count on her moving at certain times of the day now.  And if she doesn't, I worry and then make her by drinking something or taking deep breaths.
Cravings: Chocolate.
Queasy or sick: Nope!
Looking forward to: Tomorrow's ultrasound.  And getting started on my [long] list of "stuff" to do over the next two months.

And for good measure, here's a couple of shots of the boys with the 28 week board.  Too busy = no belly...

~Nichole

27 Weeks

How far along: 27 weeks
Gender: it's finally feeling real that it's a Girl!
Weight gain:  17 pounds 
Maternity clothes: Not so much.  As long as my handy dandy yoga pants hold out, we'll be just fine.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (+ wedding ring is still on...but barely!)
Sleep: definitely need more of it!
Worst moment this week: Feeling very emotionally spent after Stomach Flu Week and then feeling VERY impatient with the perinatologist office and the fact that I see a different non-perinatologist practitioner every "doctor's" visit. 
Best moment this week: Seeing baby girl's hair on ultrasound!  (and her sweet face too!)  I've temporarily lost count of what number of ultrasound we're on... But she's breech (again!)  Runner up: Finally having A back from the dredges of sickness.  For a few days there, I was (irrationally) worried about autism having snatched him from me or something.
Miss anything: Not feeling stiff in my back and legs when I stand or sit for long periods - oh, and not walking like I'm 80.
Movement: Yes.  She's moved into a stealthy position again, which makes it hard to feel her unless I'm still.  BUT! She's getting hiccups regularly that I can feel with my hand on my belly, sort of like a heartbeat and about one per second for a few minutes at a time.
Cravings: Chocolate (but my stomach hates it!) and cookies.
Queasy or sick: Boy howdy... but MUCH better now!
Looking forward to: Getting my motivation back to get sewing again.  I've started three NICU smock and have one more to do, plus about nine more dresses. Whoa!

group photo!

~Nichole

26 Weeks

I feel as tired as I look!

How far along: 26 weeks
Gender: baby girl!
Weight gain:  16 pounds 
Maternity clothes: Eh.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (+ wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Much better now that everyone is recovered from the stomach bug.  Man, that was ROUGH!
Worst moment this week: Is there anything worse than a kid's first vomit?  Being totally unprepared and hoping that it's a fluke?
Best moment this week: 5:00 a.m. on Monday morning after I'd been up for the second straight night and M came in an announced he was staying home from work!  A and I group-hugged him, I handed the sickie off to him and went to get some much-needed sleep.  He got A back to sleep for a while then changed, fed, dressed the boys after they woke up and took them outside to play.  It was pretty awesome.  Runner up: family nap time that afternoon.
Miss anything: Being able to get ready for the day without feeling like I'm going to pass out and having to sit down every few minutes.  I remember this from my pregnancy with C, but didn't have it much with A.
Movement: Yes.  Turns out she likes to have parties at night while the rest of us are sleeping.  (I know this after three straight nights of being awake with pukers....)
Cravings: Sweets!
Queasy or sick: Queasy after eating, especially sweets (chocolate, cookies, cake), while trying to fight off whatever it was the kids had.  Still can't really eat sweets, though!
Looking forward to: Another spurt of sewing energy (hopefully soon!).

~Nichole

25 Weeks

ditto: better late than never...

How far along: 25 weeks
Gender: Beautiful baby girl!
Weight gain:  17 pounds. 
Maternity clothes: Eh.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (and wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Baby's head in my bladder plus trying to increase my water intake for the swelling means I'm getting up more in the middle of the night... :(
Worst moment this week: Getting really worried about not feeling her move as much or as frequently.  I went in to the perinatologist and had a non-stress test (and of course started feeling her move as soon as they were strapping me up), but that was inconclusive - because she's still so small and they had to keep chasing her around.  So they did an ultrasound - same tech as I had the previous Friday - and we saw her moving and her "breathing" and everything looked good.  She's still head down.  I'm pretty sure she rolled onto her side while we were on a family hike on Sunday, and has decided she's nice and comfy there.  But it means I barely feel her move.  I have to be sitting or lying very still most of the time.
Best moment this week: Having a visit from our bishop and our new stake president, feeling their concern and love for our little family, and knowing it is an extension of God's greater love for us.  Seriously awe-some.
Miss anything: Feeling good, solid baby movements.  But, I'm much more relieved now that I know she's OK.
Movement: She's definitely in there and definitely moving!  The tech even had a hard time getting some 3D images of her face because she was wiggling her head and back so much... Go figure.
Cravings: Cookies.  Then my visiting teachers brought some for me... And now, on to something else.
Queasy or sick:  Nope. :)
Looking forward to: Finishing the rest of her dresses!

~Nichole

24 Weeks

better late than never...

How far along: 24 weeks
Gender: Girl
Weight gain:  17 pounds.  (But it'll be a lot more if I don't lay off the sweets!  Ergh!)
Maternity clothes: Eh.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (and wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Good!
Best moment this week: Seeing baby girl (and her perfect heart - which they checked extensively) on ultrasound, finding out I was right about her changing positions (she's now head down)... and seeing her drinking/swallowing!  All VERY good!  Runner up: sewing five dresses and cutting fabric for eight (8!) more.
Worst moment this week:  Being emotionally fragile and crying (from stress, not happiness) when my co-worker told me my boss is insisting on having a big going-away party for me at work.  Runner up: realizing my ankles are (already!?!) starting to swell.
Miss anything: A calm sciatic nerve.  The left one, to be exact.
Movement: Changed this week.  I had to sit really still or pay close attention while standing to feel her.  It was a little scary until I realized that: a) I'm still feeling her and b) she probably changed positions.
Cravings: Sushi.  (Finally took care of that on Saturday night!)
Queasy or sick:  Other than a mild sore throat?  Nah.
Looking forward to: Another ultrasound in a few weeks.

~Nichole

Adding up to Three

I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

As I was waking up on the morning of Friday, February 23, 2012, before my mind even struck consciousness, the tiniest whisper of a thought crossed my awareness: "you will have a third son when this one is two years old".

My belly was almost 28 weeks round with baby A, whom I was content to have be my last.  Two and done.  But suddenly the door I had hoped to close was lodged decidedly and firmly open.  My first conscious thought in response was "you've gotta be kiddin' me!"

I've long held out hope for a March baby.  A fish of our own!  So, when June 2013 came along, I got all weird and thoughtful and "is this our 'when'?".  We weren't anywhere near ready and decided it wasn't.  And then, I actually felt it.  A push.  A big push.  From our #3.  But since A had only barely turned a year old and I had just stopped pumping, I was all "give me just a minute!" By which, I meant "wait until October," obviously.

Two short months later, M came to me saying he had felt the push.  Baby gave up on me, and went to him, I guess.  And so, we finally paid attention and got two pink lines in early September.

I was finally done slogging through the first trimester affliction when we got news that something was wrong with our baby.  I quickly realized the second trimester couldn't save me now; I would never feel "safe".

It started the day I found out our supposed "he" was actually a "she".  Not a third son, an only girl.  "But," I thought - and then later gained the courage to say out loud to M -"it was supposed to be a son. . . does that mean we're going to lose this girl?"   I've worried every day since about something happening to this baby girl.  I've prayed, I've hoped, I've decided that it's not the first time I've been confused about revelation.  Gradually, that giant fear shrank, even if a little, and I was able to push it to the background.

But when someone - a specialist - gives voice and reason to your deepest, darkest fear, it rushes forth from the shadowlands of your heart and mind and sits firmly in the light for you to examine in all its frightening ugliness.

That happened last Friday.  What I had finally set aside as something I myself had manufactured in my mother-worry now became a harrowingly real possibility.  It cracked my psyche and I still haven't recovered. 

This past weekend, in trying to plan for how to dress this little one, whose arms and legs will be immovable (at first) and oddly positioned - meaning no onesies, no pants, no shoes - I decided to sew some tiny dresses.  I pulled out my fabric, printed and cut out the patterns, and matched them all up.  Then, I stopped.  I thought about that awful, unthinkable "what if" (again) and decided my fragile psyche would surely crumble apart at the sight of completed baby girl dresses that might never be worn.

This experience has already changed me in many ways.  I wonder often about being equal to the task of being the mother/advocate/caretaker for a special needs child.  I wonder about the alternative: never having that opportunity. 

And I think about my boys.  Yesterday, I realized how this has even permeated my interactions with them.  I find myself being more patient with them, and then silently thinking "See?"

Yesterday, I was praying about a lot of things, including this baby, and I uttered for the first time a truth I didn't even know existed about those "See?" moments...

I'm trying to prove that I'm worthy of her.

I'm trying to show I can do it.  That I am good enough to have her here with me.

And I suppose part of that is conquering the unspeakable fear.

So, today, I'm going to sew those dresses.  

~Nichole

23 Weeks

How far along: 23 weeks
Gender: Still a girl!
Weight gain:  16-ish pounds.
Maternity clothes: Sort of.  I kind of look at them when deciding what to wear and go "ugh".  So, not many.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (and wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Good!
Best moment this week: Being able to prod this baby into moving with sweet drinks and breathing exercises.  And on Tuesday, I felt some sort of body part poking around...
Worst moment this week: Today was a pretty awful day.  We saw the neonatologist and, seriously (!), someone needs to show these people how to do a lead-in of bad news.  For one, you don't drop the bomb right after introductions... We met Dr. L today and among his first words was the (new to us) news that Arthrogryposis that is detected in the first trimester (as ours was) is often lethal.  That was very VERY hard to hear.  He also said that baby will likely be in the NICU during pretty much her entire hospital stay, meaning I'll be going up to the 3rd floor to visit her (not to mention that the tests they will conduct on her will be much more extensive than I even imagined).  I had to will myself not to cry and to keep it together and not break down several times.  Even so, Dr. L proved himself to be wonderfully compassionate (even if his profession forces him to be a realist) and he even gave us his personal cell number.  There's still so much we won't know until this baby is born, but we are hopeful.  And despite the hard news today, I am grateful for the opportunity to try to prepare as much emotionally and physically as I can.
Miss anything: Normal OB visits. (Seriously!)
Movement: Daily.  But I freak out a little if I haven't felt anything for a few hours.
Cravings: I still need to get my sushi on...
Queasy or sick:  Nope.  Not even after eating mass amounts of cookies...
Looking forward to: Quitting my job and being home with my boys before the craziness hits.

~Nichole

22 Weeks

sorry, no belly in this photo...

How far along: 22 weeks
Gender: In the words of the ultrasound-tech-of-the-week: "no boy parts!"
Weight gain:  About 14 pounds.
Maternity clothes: Sort of.
Stretch marks:  Nope. 
Belly button in or out: In. Maybe this one should be "Rings on or off" because it's more likely I'll lose the ability to wear my wedding ring than lose the innards of my belly button...
Sleep: Good, except when my brain won't shut off after my bladder has woken it up.
Best moment this week: Seeing baby girl on another ultrasound and feeling more bonded with her.  (but it's allowed me to hope this could really be real for us, which is scary!)  And being told that because we are so well-researched, we get to see the neonatologist earlier than we normally would.
Worst moment this week: Having the perinatologist list the gamut of tests she wants to run on me and the amount of appointments we'll be having.  And realizing how closed off my body language was and how much I was saying about how I felt about all that... As M said, we might as well get used to it; it's going to be the way it is for us for a long while.
Miss anything: Normal OB visits.
Movement: Every day now!  Hooray!
Cravings:  Still chocolate.  (Why can't it be apples?)
Queasy or sick:  Feeling good!
Looking forward to: Still looking forward to May!

**More about the perinatologist visit: I was relieved they did an ultrasound right off, so that we could all be on the same page and I didn't have to guess at what they knew or didn't know.  Everything still looks good, but baby is definitely transverse (sideways).  She was wiggling up a storm, and we *think* we saw her open her mouth - which would be good news because it would mean her jaw joint is not affected and feeding won't be as much of a problem (fingers crossed!).  With every ultrasound, she gets a new nickname: so far she's been called space cadet (14 wks), little mermaid (19 wks) and now the karate kid (because of the way her legs are positioned: looks a lot like the Karate Kid crane stance - I'll wait while you google that....).  I asked the (very young) rady tech if she'd ever scanned a baby with contractures like ours.  She said what I expected: no. 

Then we went to meet with the nurse and had the first semblance of a normal OB visit that I've had for about, oh, 10 or 12 weeks...  Then came the perinatologist.  Her first words, after introductions all around, were "you'll probably never see me again since I work out of our Scottsdale office," followed immediately by a push for us to get an amniocentesis.  I think that's when I crossed my arms and legs and leaned as far back in my chair as I could.  She then zinged us with news that Arthrogryposis could be just a symptom of another underlying disorder (I seriously thought we were past this?) such as a neuromuscular disorder that could be degenerative, and that an amniocentesis would allow us to be prepared.  Way to scare us, doc!  So, she said she wants us to see the genetic specialist in their office.  I'm going to let him go ahead and try to convince us...

I asked her about turning the baby and attempting a normal (non-cesaerean delivery) and she essentially said she didn't think the positioning of the baby's legs would allow her to turn the way she needs to be born vaginally.  I mentioned the research I'd read about it being better to delivery babies with Arthrogryposis at 38 weeks to get them out and moving sooner.  She looked at me like I suddenly had three eyes.  She basically said there's a question of lung development at 38 weeks and "we don't want to add anything to what we're already looking at".  (Curiously, she looked at me the same way - three eyes! - when I mentioned in-utero therapy to help baby move.)  She was not all bad: she was nice and set us up with the neonatologist that will be attending the delivery about 6-8 weeks sooner than she normally would.  (Go research!)  So, there's that.  I told her our genetic specialist told us he only sees about 5 cases of this a year.  And she said "that sounds about right".  Which means their practice sees only 4-5 a year.  I'm pretty sure she doesn't.

Long (long!) story short: I get to have an extra Rhogam shot, an extra glucose test, a 24-hour urine test, at least one non-stress test, scans and appointments every 2 weeks, and a partridge in a pear tree.  By the end, I was feeling pretty impatient with being treated more like a sick person than I ever have in my life.  {Don't get me wrong: I do believe they want best outcomes for me and baby.  But they are definitely practicing CYA-centered care (and it's not my "A" they want to "C"!).}  Still, I'm glad they're being cautious.  Ultimately, more scans mean more information and more opportunities to make sure this baby girl's doing well.

~Nichole