Sitting in church on Sunday, there were babies in front of us then babies in back of us. M leaned over and whispered to tell me how he loves those tiny grunting sounds babies make. I never knew that. It was a tough day for both of us.
I cried off and on for about an hour at work today. For every reason and for no reason. I cried when looking at the calendar and wondering when my cycle will return. I cried when plotting M's school schedule for the next year. I cried because the mountain was so beautiful and the sky was so blue and the air was so clear in the post-rain, start-of-winter afternoon that found its way to my city.
But in these last few days, particularly Sunday, it occurred to me that perhaps the reason we've experienced this loss (and it's feeling like a loss now if it didn't before) was so that we could both be "fully converted" to parenthood and that for some reason we need to really want it before it happens. I have no idea why. But that's what I've been thinking. . .