8.30.2008

Say WHAT!?

Not that he hasn't said it before, but M was going on about it more last night. In front of friends. So it was more worrisome than normal.

He was going on and on about how pregnant women are "unsexy" and "unattractive". I asked him when on earth these sentiments started. "Oh, forever" he says. Deep-seated. Great!

I asked him why they're just now coming up regularly in conversation. "Because we're getting closer to that." Great!

"But don't worry. You'll be fine!"

Great!

~Nichole

8.21.2008

Blah and Missing

So. Yesterday I was sick - still am - but we had to go to Waldemart for butt paper. So, I'm drudging through the store and we pass the "baby" section. And I feel myself listlessly submit myself to that section and all it entails. And then, as quickly as that happened, I found myself wondering what the crap just happened. Ultimately, I determined that I was run down by this stupid sickness and that it was an indifferent sort of acceptance, a tired acknowledgement.

And yet. . .

And yet, there are moments that skulk up on me - like it did today - when I have a sneaking suspicion that we are missing out on the amazing sublimity that comes with being parents. I can't quite put words on it. It's the sense that we're living an incomplete life. We're perfectly, if ignorantly, happy. We feel complete. But there's this missing element. The elephant in the room everyone else has already seemed to acknowledge, give a name, and make the honorary family pet.

Somedays we can't imagine our life with kids. The mundanity, stress, and demand of it scares us. REALLY scares us. That whole going from a couple to a family thing is a little unnerving. Like leaving your best friend to go study abroad. Or leaving for a mission. You'll come back to normal life eventually, but it will never ever be the same. No matter how much you hope. And in the meantime, you will miss it. Even as you eventually leave it all behind. And ultimately forget about it. After all, what else is nostalgia for?

I worry that we'll either hate it or love it. I'm betting on the love it one, which worries me almost as much as the "hate it" option, because I tend to second-guess myself - and if I love it I know I'll wonder why we waited so long. And then, I'll have to remind myself - like I have with SO many other things in my life - that I made this important decision a matter of prayer. That I prayed about it. That it wasn't just me. That this Big Decision involves the agency and choice of at least two other human beings - my husband and an imagined child.

Realizing this will help me have peace. That we did it when we believed it was best for us. And when we were supposed to.

~Nichole

8.13.2008

Things that Make You Go Hmmmmmm

I've been off the prenatals for over a week now. Even after cutting them in half, the unpleasant side effect of constipation was too much for me to handle. Especially when trying to lose weight!

M came home yesterday, full of stories of women at work trying to get pregnant and having multiple miscarriages and how he heard on the radio that Robitussin loosens the mucous membranes in the body (especially the ones important for fertility) and how this doc said a little Robitussin can improve fertility.

I talked briefly about how I hope I will be OK and not have to go through another ectopic pregnancy, and how I hope it happens quickly when we start to try.

He said "are you kidding!? I have super sperm!" and then proceeded to take a quick, verbal inventory of his own health and eating habits.

Needless to say, I sat there kind of shocked. This is honestly, without a doubt, the most open conversation he's ever had with me about conception/fertility/etc.

I said "Wow! You must really want to get me pregnant!" Probably not the best response (gauging by his "eh. . . " that followed), but I was too much in shock to be eloquent or even pull out an "awwww" or two.

Plus, sometimes I fear my tendency to overreact to his openness on the subject will scare him away.

Like when he approached me about a month ago and said "if that's going to be the baby's room (referring to the room next door to the office in which I was sitting at the time), I want to have that picture of the jungle animals on the wall." To which I responded, "Oh, OK. You mean the one we saw at the swap meet?" and followed it quickly with "awwww. I love you!"

His response? "That's just because I'm talking about having a stupid kid!" Crush! Bang! Boom! It felt like he had just handed me flowers, but before I could take them, he threw them on the ground and stomped all over them. I told him as much. It SO didn't faze him.

SO, last night's conversation was. . . very very surprising. Hence, my underreaction. I was trying to play it cool.

Whether or not I succeeded, only time will tell. For sure.

~Nichole

8.02.2008

I've Been Thinking. . .

I started this blog as a fun way to track my eventual pregnancy. Because I'm cool (and a little OCD) like that.

Right now, we're still in the "thinking" stages. Yes, I know that's not "how it works" but I'm a creature of habit and my husband practically grows roots where he's planted, so movement in any direction often takes us a while.

I had an unplanned pregnancy in January of 2007. At the time, I was overweight, undernourished, in a life fog, and lost in my own self. Honestly, the "unplanned" part of this pregnancy really got to me the most. Given that I'm such a "planner" it really threw me off and I was disappointed. But, within days I had adapted to the idea and was ready for it. So, to find out a week later that the pregnancy was ectopic and not viable was very very hard.

Right now I secretly fear a couple of things: that it'll happen again, that I won't get pregnant on the first or second shot (after having it happen on the first shot the last time), or that I'll miscarry. But mostly, I think the whole experience was just a swift kick in the rear for me to get on the right track, get myself ready and set out toward convincing my hub. Meanwhile, I have been reading an exhaustive amount of stuff related to all things pregnancy since that time (because I'm OCD like that!).

So. As of today, I've been taking folic acid every day for over a year. This week I started taking prenatal vitamins (in halves) every day. And a few months ago I began a "fitness routine" which consists of me "running" (jogging) and this past week I ramped it up to 5 times a week.

I have the mutually (?) agreed upon dangling carrot of October keeping me going. (Well, for me it's a dangling carrot. For him, I think it's more like a guillotine.)

I'm hoping to lose about 20 more pounds before then and to start things off really healthy this time.


~Nichole

"May you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." -Ray Bradbury