Doodooing It Doggy Style

Remember when I told you about this visit to my erstwhile-beloved doc? And do you know how sometimes you can relive the same conversation over and over again, mentally inserting all the things you Should Have Said?

Well, this has been stewing for weeks, so here it go. . . . (Warning TMI ahead!!)

This is how it went:

Dr. M (beginning my examination): Wow! You are constipated!
Me: Really?!
Dr. M: Yes. Just full of stool. All backed up.
Me: Hmmmm.
Dr. M: How often do you go to the bathroom?
Me: Every couple of days?
Dr. M: That’s not good! You should really be going every day, if not twice a day.
Me: Yeah. That would be my husband.
Dr. M: You really need to eat more fiber. And lots of water.
Me: I drink at least 2 liters a day, so. . . ?
Dr. M: You should probably think about taking a probiotic. At night before bed.
Me: I think I have some at home.
Dr. M: We should be like dogs. We eat, we poop. You never hear of dogs getting colon cancer.
Me: {thinks to herself – what IS it with this guy and dogs?}

This is how it should have gone:

Dr. M (beginning my examination): Wow! You are constipated!
Me: Ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer waits so long he misses his chance? Well, that was me today. I was busy and missed my chance at least twice. I tried to go a few minutes ago, but like I said, I missed my chance.
Dr. M: Well, at least you tried. How often do you go to the bathroom?
Me: Every other day or so. How often do YOU go to the bathroom?
Dr. M: Ummm. That’s not really the point here. You should really be going every day, if not twice a day.
Me: Bowel issues, Doc? Is that why you’ve gotten chubby? Is that why you’re all crankypants today?
Dr. M: I am not chubby! Besides, you really need to eat more fiber. And drink lots of water.
Me: How do you know it’s not because I’ve had low back problems for the last few weeks? Or because my hormones are out of whack and maybe (just maybe?) you should check them out, run a panel or something, before you run off and prescribe me hormonal birth control?
Dr. M: You’re right. Let’s get some blood work done. And are you seeing a chiropractor about that back?
Me: Yes I am. Thank you, Doc, for being concerned about my whole person and not using my bowel troubles to chastise me because you are frustrated I took too long to answer your questions about my menstrual cycles.
Dr. M: You’re welcome. You know, we should really be like dogs. We eat, we poop. You never hear of dogs getting colon cancer.
Me: {thinks to herself – seriously! what IS it with this guy and dogs?}

Sadly, it didn’t go like it should have. But, I AM happy to report that I have paid close attention and my bowel habits over the last few weeks are becoming increasingly canine-ish every day. Take that and smoke it, Dr. M!



Insane Giggling and Cosleeping Update

Remember The One Where Everyone Sleeps Together? Funny story, that.

It goes something like wicked family-wide colds in early February 2011, during which baby was cranky but still played the part of an acceptable bed mate. Following which, he decided to get all big-britches on us and decide a king sized bed (California-sized, even) with his parents as bookends was cramping his 32-inch tall style.

Much thrashing and refusing to be comforted ensued, whereupon his parents decided he was asking for his own space.

And so, one historical (hysterical?) Tuesday night in February, that boy's parents fussed and fought over the deconstruction of a crib and its reconstruction into a toddler bed with the mattress cranked up to king bed height and smushed up on mom's side of the bed with pillows wedged between. I made a big to-do over "C's bed!" and "all the toys!" and the first night he was too exhausted from being kept up past his bed time and his parents fussing and fighting to care. But the next day's nap and bedtime were. . . . challenging. Everything was moved around and he had to see it all from his new digs. He is sleeping better, we are sleeping better. Big W all around - Hooray!

Now, I say "let's go sleep in C's bed!" and he climbs right up and in. Yesterday M reported that C disappeared and M found him nearly asleep in his own bed - all by himself! (I am still waiting for him to repeat that with me.)

Then today it happened. The moment I've been waiting for since he was just a newbie. When you've been just-the-two-of-you as long as we were before C and suddenly a third person moves in with you, it takes some getting used to, see. When C was tiny and I was getting used to having a tag-along, I used to expect him to come out of the bedroom at any moment. Today, he woke from his nap, climbed from his bed to our bed and down, and "screeeeeee!" went the bedroom door - and the moment I've been expecting finally came true.

It was actually quite hilarious.

But before that, C and I were in the bathtub and we found a new use for the Boon spoon. He's fetched it out of the no-longer-being-used box of bottles and other feeding accessories (that I've failed to find a good place for) more times than I can count and most recently it's ended up with his bath toys. Today I filled it with water and we sat and squirted water and filled it up and squirted water etc. for a good 20 minutes and that danged kid could hardly breathe for laughing. I've never heard him giggle so hard!

This is such a fun age. Well, except maybe the part where he is climbing up on all sorts of tables around our house and sitting on them. Yeah, that part we could maybe do without. But, other than that, FUN!



Fertility is a Grown Up Word

I recently went to Dr. M. I was excited to see him. Unfortunately, he was having a bad day or something because he was unusually brisk and impatient with me. He even seemed exasperated at one point.

I've been having cycle issues that are not normal. So when he'd ask how things "normally" go with me, it was a little difficult to tell him. My cycles have not been normal since getting pregnant the last time. Apparently, my waffling did not make him amused. (Who knew?)

Anywho, in addressing the issue, he offered hormonal birth control in several forms. The comment that stood out was when he said "I don't know where you are in terms of your fertility." Huh. Funny. I don't know either.

Instead of waffling about that (which surely would have sent him over the edge), I said "I'm not looking to be pregnant in the short-term". Which pretty much sums it up, but might only be partially true, I am coming to find.

See, it's kind of hard when I have a husband who walks around saying things like "I can't wait until I have a better job so we can have another baby" and a baby who walks around, his big, dark eyes smiling under his curly mane, looking all cute and making me want 5 more of him.

So, where am I at in terms of my fertility?

Well, the textbook answer my body would give is that I'm 34 and the clock is tick-tocking faster and faster. The official answer my spokesperson would give if I was famous is "she is not pregnant and has no plans to be in the near future". The answer my heart would give, if things like money and jobs and homes closer to money and jobs were not in the equation, is I would totally welcome another baby (and secretly am hoping for a "happy accident" that would take all the thinking and plotting and planning out of it and sort of force the issue).

In the meantime, I am loving all over the baby I have, squeezing the juices of his babyhood and relishing this time when I can still call him a baby (even as he is on the threshold of toddlerhood!), and making the most of his only-child-ness while it's here. He is a fascinating and funny kid and I really would take 5 more just like him (but only if it doesn't mean 5 more pregnancies to get there - and not all 5 at once, either). (You've got to be specific when you put these things out in the universe!)


"May you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." -Ray Bradbury