No Idea

I've been kind of an emotional wreck today. And even that would be an understatement. It's almost impossible to have faith and to have fear at the same time. It's been a struggle all day and I've tottered between the two.

I've felt depressed today. I've felt a drop off of pregnancy symptoms today. The words "miscarriage is imminent" have gone through my head more than once today.

Finally, I broke down walking out of Wal-Mart after running an errand. I got to my car and cried. Then bucked up and decided to call my doc. The girl on the phone called me "sweetie". I don't know if my voice was just thick with tears, or if she just knew I needed it today, but it was nice. She put me on hold to pull my quant results. My doc picked me up from hold and said that my hcg was 1293 - climbing, but not fast enough. My progesterone was only 7 - a drop of over half "which is a little concerning".

He asked me to come in for a Rhogam shot. I didn't hesitate. Been there, done that once before. Because I have the best boss ever, I already had the afternoon off. I came home from Wal-Mart, laid face down on my bed and cried hard (yep I remember this from last time) for a good 10 minutes. This after having called M and barely being able to force out the words "I'm going to the doctor for a shot" between periods of silence when I was trying to compose myself so I didn't sound like a slobbering, sobbing, incoherent mess over the phone.

After I cried, I washed all my makeup off, changed my clothes, and headed to the doc. I was surprisingly calm. Which doesn't surprise me. (I've been praying all day.) I even joked with M-A about her shot-giving abilities. She said she was "awesome" and I concurred.

Then I went for a late lunch and a pedicure. Just what a girl needs when her body threatens to betray her: pamper the body and ignore the bloaty, full, crampy feeling in the low abdomen and the achy cramps in the low back.

Guess I'll be packing those pads after all. Which sucks, but God has me in His hand and I know I'll be OK.


Thick Thick Thick

I went to the doc yesterday and had another ultrasound. They could not see a gestational sac. Although he didn't say, it might still be early yet.

My uterus is "very thick". In fact, doc said some of his infertility patients would kill to have half my thickness. I take my victories where I can.

What he also said was to pack some "mondo pads" for my trip just in case and intimated that maybe just being prepared would ward off a miscarriage.

In a word, its a crap shoot. He can't do anything but wait and see. I can't do anything but wait and see. And pray. I also received a blessing last night.

And when I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, my mind raced with the worst possibilities and scenarios of the phone call about my quant results when they call me with them. I forced those scenarios from my mind and forced myself to consider happier possibilities - like my numbers going up (my hcg being 6,000 - no! 10,000 - and my progesterone 25) and being able to see this burrito baby when I get back at 7 weeks.

*crossing fingers*

And trying not to be too tired after my rough night.



The Daddy Conversion

So, here's how a man gets converted to daddyhood.

You unceremoniously announce you're pregnant. Then, later, you ask him what he thinks of it all.

He says how he's scared of how he's going to do it all - school, work, church, home - but that he's also pretty excited because he'll be able to take "my daughter with me on hikes, and talk to her, and teach her how to fish." (He's convinced it's a girl.)

Then, last night, after the lights are out and you're going to bed, he leans over and says to your stomach "Hello Baby! Can you hear me?" You say "It doesn't have ears yet!" He says "yes it does!" and then directs back to the stomach and says "I love you!"

And that's how it happens.



Happy to Feel Crappy

When my boobs ache, I'm glad. When I'm so tired I can't see straight, I'm glad. When I'm dizzy and lightheaded, I'm glad. Even when I wake up to pee 2 times per night (yes me, the girl who loves uninterrupted sleep or sohelpme I will cut you), I'm glad.

Because it means another day of being pregnant.

Tomorrow will be 5 weeks.

I walk around saying to myself "I'm pregnant!" and not because I'm trying to convince myself - just because I'm happy about it.

And we've told actual people too (like 3). Which is different for us.

But I'm still waaaayyy cautious. I haven't gone running all week because I don't want to risk it. I'm spotting and just in case, I don't want to make my body upset so that it does something unthinkable without my permission.

I've come to realize that many women do not worry about pregnancy loss the way I do.

I never realized before how my previous loss really affected me.

I'm happy, but cautiously so. Monday's doc appointment will hopefully bring the final breath of fresh air that I'm hoping for. Hopefully those hcg and progesterone numbers will be climbing as they should.

And hopefully I won't be sicker than a dog on our vacation-slash-early-10 year anniversary celebration. I don't think I'll be glad if that happens. (Yeah, and even though we planned this, I don't think I thought it all the way through when I was planning the vacation!)



Rare breed

Typical signs of pregnancy I've had so far: sore boobs, wacko gastrointestinal issues (lack of appetite/constipation/the opposite of constipation), dizziness, lightheadedness, fatigue, headaches, backaches, frequent urination. . .

Signs of pregnancy I've had that make me a bit of an anomaly: implantation bleeding, implantation cramping, curious weight loss (just like my mom), positive hpt the day before my missed period

That is all. . .


Sigh of Relief

I laid awake last night having difficulty sleeping. I was praying. A lot. I told Heavenly Father that all I want for my birthday is a healthy pregnancy, how I think we're ready, but that I'll accept whatever He has for me.

Then I got up to pee 2 times during the night.

So, this morning was a slow one. On the way in to work, I decided to check and see if my doc's office had called yet. Yep, a voice message.

I called back and M-A told me the sweetest words I may have ever heard: "we got your results back and there is a very low probablility of an ectopic pregnancy. your progesterone was 16.5!"


I mean, officially, my doc's words "we'll just take things one day at a time" are still ringing in my head, especially since I'm only 4 weeks and 4 days along.

But, hey - at least it's not ectopic. Prayer answered. I see my doc on my b-day and I'm thinking I'm going to get exactly what I'm wishing for. . .



Kind of officially Official (Sort of)

On Thursday, I went walking with L, who's also "trying" and had a vision of the two of us with rotund pregnant bellies.

Friday morning brought a negative home pregnancy test.

Saturday, M had his hand on my belly and asked if his baby was in there.

On Sunday, I was feeling dizzy (which happened on and off all last week, and which I attributed to sinus yuckiness) and had a yucky stomach. I got through my lesson without having to sit down and without falling over.

Last night I went to bed debating with myself when to take (another) hpt. This morning I woke up with visions of babies and having had a dream of myself rocking a sleepy toddler on my lap, his/her front to my front, legs wrapped around my waist.

Deciding that was a decent sign, I took a digital ept test. It said "pregnant". I went in and announced to M, who was in the shower, that "my eggo is preggo". He said "Congratulations! Are you happy?" I said "Nervous. I'm going to call the doctor today."

I went to the doc. I'm only 4 weeks, 3 days - waaaayy too early to see anything even by transvaginal ultrasound. They took blood and put in a "stat" order. I freaked them out by telling them I'll be out of the country from the 29th to the 10th. That's prime ectopic trouble time, and we're all trying to confirm whether I'll have that issue with this pregnancy or not.

So. I'm cautiously optimistic. Dr. M said that if my progesterone is high ("like about 12"), he feels I'll be OK. I felt like a ball of nerves before my visit, and calm afterward - even though I knew nothing more than I did walking in there. Oh, except I have fluid around both of my ovaries "which isn't necessarily bad news". That's all I could have hoped for at this point I suppose.

I call tomorrow for the quant results. I looked in my journal where I taped in my handwritten notes from last time. At 6 weeks, my hcg was 3,300 and my progesterone was only 5. Not good numbers. This time I'm hoping that hcg is getting up there and that the prog is "about a 12".

In the meantime, I'll be waiting and crossing my fingers until I see him again next Monday. And hoping my uterus score isn't a big fat "zero" this time.

In the meantime, I'm exhausted! But I won't let myself sit for long enough to fall asleep. I get up and move every time I feel sleepy.



Oh, and P.S.

. . . I got an e-mail from my "recruit" the other day. My friend who got married this past April and with whom I had joked about recruiting to be pregnant with me at the same time. . . she started without me! She's already 9 (going on 10 now) weeks along. Yea C!

I'm totally happy for her! But if I'm not in that way soon, we won't be on mat leave together!


Waiting for the bottom to drop

It's about the time in my cycle when I start my pre-period spotting. I've been waiting for it to start as a sign - one way or the other - of whether or not I'm pregnant. So, today, this morning to be exact, I had some spotting.

But then, I have to remind myself that last time I had a whole period and was still pregnant. Ectopically (tubally) so, but still.

Ah well. Whether yes or no, I'll be trying to keep calm until this weekend, which is the earliest I can (or should) reasonably take a test. Last night I fell asleep with visions of babies (twins!) dancing in my head, so don't count on the calmly waiting part. . .



Here's your sign(s)

Strange lower abdominal cramping a little too early? Check!

Low back pain? Check!

Strange bowel issues? Check!

Of course, these all might just be side effects of an oncoming menstrual cycle-slash-stupid sickness my body is battling with not getting right now. . .

Time, of course, will always tell. I just wish he weren't so slow at it!



Because you're dying to know. . .

. . . I'm not pregnant yet. "Duh!" you say. "It's way too early!" you say. Ummmm, yeah. I know. It's just that. . . did you know a woman's "fertile window" can be all over the place? Can open and close at different times in each cycle? Can be from, like, Day 7 to after the beginning of her next cycle?

Ummmm, what?!


Apparently. Because that's what I've been reading all over the web today.

Stupid web. Stop being so smarty-pantsed! You're starting to freak me out!




So, after some initial confusion that went something like this:

M: (continues to contracept)
N: (is confused because of previous conversations - see previous post)
M: (totally oblivious)
N: You confuse me (just so we're clear).

The next morning:
M: (coming home from a church meeting and hugs me to soften the fact that I'm grouchy from all the confusion) So when are we going to start a family?
N: (?????) When you stop confusing me!
M: What?
N: You confuse me with all your "family" talk but then you're up to your old tricks. I'm confused.
M: (obviously equally confused) But we said October and it's only the end of September.
N: (dawns on me he has no idea about how ovulation works and has not, in fact, been tracking cycles for the past year like I have). OK. This is how it works. It's either now. Or early November.
M: OK. Now.

Yeah. After all that, "we're trying".

I said those words out loud to another human being for the first time last night. It was weird. But also kind of cathartic. I wanted to tell H when I saw her on Saturday, but it never came up. And I half want to tell B on one of our many phone chats, but how do you say something like that over the phone? And I've vowed to keep that secret from my family - vowed not to myself or to M, but to my mom (yes I am that cruel) because she kept asking.

Instead, the first person I uttered that confession to was L, a friend from my ward and the wife of M's former first counselor. She and her hub are also "trying" - so in the event we both end up preggo, we'll be on this road together. So, I figured she was a good choice for a confidant.

I have the typical "trying" worries: what if it doesn't happen the first time, what if I have an ectopic again, what if I miscarry, what if I get dog sick, what if I'm a total pregnancy wimp. . . you know - all those.

I had a lot more to say, but now I can't remember.


"May you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." -Ray Bradbury