Trying the Heart

September 12, 2011

So the thing about feeling like this all over again is that, having been there before, you try subtly drop the whole topic into a casual conversation. While laying down for a family nap on a Saturday. Which, of course, results in a similar conversation as before:
She: Are you ready?
He: For what?
She: Next month.
He: What's next month?
She: We start trying.
He: When does that mean the baby would be born again?
She: Around July.
He: (sharp inhale of breath) Whoa.
She: We talked about this before, remember?
He: Um well um. . .
She: (in a huff) I'm going to sleep.
He: (backpedaling) Well, it's just that I, well . . .
She: You should probably pray about it.

Then, the next morning, the conversation continues.
He: So, you wanted to start next month?
She: (defensively) We've already had this conversation!
He: I know, but I want to talk about it.
She: I don not want to talk about this right now. I'm tired!

Turns out, the poor man was up with a tempestuous stomach at 2:30 in the morning and was praying and took his wife's advice and felt good about it and figured why wait another month?

And this is precisely how the trying for numero dos began. (Essentially, we jumped right in with total abandon.)

Try as I might to convince myself not to immediately start stressing over the subtle signs and symptoms, about impending implantation or infertility . . . in short, what my body is or is not currently doing - after all, we're a whole month early so no biggie, right? - the heart just doesn't work that way.

The heart is filled with hope and issues a bodily decree that now is the time to catch, stick and stay a pregnancy.
The heart is uncomprehending that there are women who have this internal struggle each and every month.
The heart worries overmuch about the pain of a miscarriage and whether it will be called upon to endure that ache again.
The heart weighs those happy women who seem to have no problems getting and staying pregnant with those who battle with unexplained secondary infertility.
The heart wants to wrap all those women up in a hug. And to wrap itself up against such trials at the same time.
The heart wants to simply will the spark of fleshy newness into existence.
The heart wants to personally oversee that the building of an entirely new little person goes off without a hitch.
The heart wants to play armchair conductor, orchestrating the whole lovely physiological symphony from its high perch.

But of course, even though the heart wants what it wants, it is not the boss here. In fact, the heart has very little to do with it.

And yet, it is everything.




September 9, 2011

~ C is 20 months old today! It's amazing and exciting and he's-not-a-baby-anymore and every month older he gets, I find myself adding 10 months to it because "that's how far apart my kids would be if I got pregnant now". (Oy.)
~ Last week I had lunch with a friend and told her I am most excited about labor/delivery and breastfeeding. Then, I remarked how strange it is that those words came out of my mouth!
~ Here is Kalli's funny birth story. (I particularly like the parts about "exercising her right for epidurals for future babies riding this train into the earth station" and "writing around like an electrocuted eel".)
~ I remember feeling like this, mostly because, for absolutely no rhyme or reason, I kind of feel that way again. Which is totally stupid because it's not October yet.
~ It's time and I am ready.



Hope via Text

September 6, 2011

N: Wicked migraine today, which I am hoping is my body’s way of figuring this hormone stuff out and getting geared up for another pregnancy. Or it could just be spiraling out of control, but I can hope.

L: We can hope. ‘Cuz aren’t you gonna try soon?

N: Hopefully next month, depending on how this month goes. Right now, it’s not going so hot.

L: Why not?

N: I have been spotting/bleeding for 23 days, 13 of which have been a real period.

L: Boo! Have you taken ovulation tests or anything to see?

N: No. Trying not to get too freaked about anything this month. But I am still taking B6 every day and just started charting my morning temps so I can start using progesterone cream after I ovulate this month, in hopes that I can lengthen my luteal phase and get some of this bleeding under control next cycle.

L: Good!

N: Cross our fingers and toes it works!



Reasons Why

August 28, 2011

On Friday, we took a visit to our local Target. We walked in and spied an expecting couple starting their baby registry. We saw another couple, the wife with her pregnant belly protruding farther than what should be legal (much less normal), looking over breast pumps and asking passersby for their advice. I weighed in, but because it was almost 9:00 and my kid was nearly melting down, I was much too distracted to give a wholehearted opinion, so I wasn't too disheartened when they didn't heed my advice and bought a Medela. Then, on the way out, I happened to glance back and saw a third prego walking out of the store behind us. "Too many!" I thought. The whole freakin' world is pregnant right now. Later that night, I admitted to M that I am not ready for invasion of the bodysnatchers to happen all over again. But, I wasn't really ready for it the first time. However, as it turns out, it is the only way to have a biological baby and, as it also turns out, I want one of those, so it is a road we must travel.

On Saturday, I went to my cousin's baby shower, feeling excited for the arrival of her little boy and looking forward to the shower. Once upon a time I really hated baby showers. Once upon a time before I was pregnant (the first time), I could count on one hand the number of showers I had attended. And yesterday, I remembered why it was I felt that way: Baby shower games. No matter how inventive or fun, they make me want to poke my eyes out. I swore right then and there that I will never willingly have another baby shower. Making someone bring me a gift and holding them hostage for cake and gift opening (the only reasons people really go to baby showers in the first place - and in that order, too) and torturing them with games in the meantime? That's just cruel and unusual punishment is what that is.

On Sunday, we further cerebralized having another baby. I asked M if he's really ready to take it on. I was thinking specifically about how I will likely be sick and he's going to have to pick up the slack, while he was thinking more globally about the aggregate cost of raising two kids. (It helps to convince the both of you if you look at your baby's photo album and reminisce over how tiny and lovely and cute newborns are.) The truth of it is there are a lot of reasons not to sign on for this right now (uh, economy, childcare, debt, job uncertainty, weight loss, I'm-not-ready-for-this, etc. etc. etc.). But there's One Big Reason to go ahead and do it: we want another one. That's it, end of story. And we want a sibling for C. The rest, as always, we will figure out later.



Eggs and Things

August 25, 2011

Tonight I made egg salad for the first time in my life. Some of the eggs came out perfectly, and one or two were cracked from being hard boiled, leaving them a little soggy and strange. As I peeled them, held those warm, firm eggs between my finger and thumb before I placed them in the slicer, I noticed how kind of perfect eggs are. And maybe a little beautiful?

As I stared at each egg, I got to thinking about my own eggs. I hope they are as strangely beautiful, and more on the intact side of things than the soggy side.

But right now, it's not my eggs I am concerned with.

I know I've worried over my luteal phase before (and I turned out to be pregnant), but this time it's pretty bad (possibly only 4 days long). I haven't really started charting in earnest because my cycle is just all over the place (it's that bad, really?) and I'm not even convinced I ovulated this month before the pseudo bleeding began (yes, really!).

I am taking 100 mg of B6 and I bought progesterone cream to use this cycle, so I guess we'll see about that.



Line of Questioning

August 23, 2011

Am I really really (really?) ready for this again?
(because all I can think of is the nausea and fatigue and heartburn and swollen feet and passing out {BUT THEN I think about squishy babies and I know it's all worth it.})

Is it strange that I want to be pregnant in good company?
(because now that Jennifer Garner is pregnant and some of my best girlfriends are trying to be, it would really be excellent prego company to keep! {not that Ms. Garner even knows I exist or anything.})

Why do I like to write in secret?
(because I am reading The Help which is all about covert novel writing and such, maybe? because I have a history of doing this? {with this very blog?})

Why does looking at a baby registry for an upcoming shower convince you that baby clothes are way cute, but babies that go in those clothes are way cuter and just thinking about all of it makes your heart swell and your uterus ache? (because you start thinking about all the clothes you stored away for “the next one” {especially if the showered baby is the same gender as your own baby}?)



Self Talk

August 20, 2011:

I am Ready, she says.
But what about the wakeful bladder and mid-night pilgrimages to the porcelain throne to pee?, I query.
I am Ready.
But what about the tsunami of fatigue that rises up and drowns you?
I am Ready.
But what about the decidedly icky stomach not wanting to hold onto anything you give it?
I am Ready.
But what about the fire of indigestion burning in your chest and the incessant popping of Tums?
I am Ready.
But what about the pulling ligaments that catch your breath and double you over?
I am Ready.
But what about the legs that are fitful and bouncy and restless in the night?
I am Ready.
But what about the weight of a belly pulling your low back into a graceful "C"?
I am Ready.

Well that makes one of us, I say.



The Retreat to Solitude

So, now that the Big News is out, I can start publishing the back story. I kept them in installments.

Here's the first:

August 15, 2011

There was a certain sense of anonymity when I was enduring a second failed pregnancy and this blog was a private blog. It was a safety net, a room where I could put my thoughts and they could stay private. And now, at this time when serious budget talks weave and intertwine themselves with conversations about growing our family, I miss the obscurity and privacy.

So, thought I to myself one Sunday, after a weekend drenched in deep discussions over timing and plans steeped in conjecture and speculation, why not write my thoughts privately in draft form and publish them when the time is right?

It all started on a Saturday morning. After holding my one-year old with one hand and feverishly wiping the plastic car strapped to the front of a Fry’s shopping cart with the other, I wheeled the contraption to the produce aisle and breathed a sigh of relief. My kid was settled into the car, “driving” it like a maniac and eating his snack, and all was right with the grocery shopping world. Then, I saw a prego belly and for the first time since I got pregnant with C, I was hit in the gut with an overripe sense of longing. “Where has that been hiding?” I wondered, reeling a little from the shock of such a surprise attack.

Later, as I laid down to nap, thoughts swirled and whirled like some great mental gyre. As I finally drifted into solid sleep, a whisper of a thought settled on my brain: get pregnant as soon as possible.



Birthday for Two

Two is a bigger birthday than One, it turns out.

Two can blow out candles.

Two knows what a "birday cake" is.
Two can open presents (mostly) by himself.

And Two gets the honor of sharing Very Big News:


"May you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." -Ray Bradbury