24 Weeks

better late than never...

How far along: 24 weeks
Gender: Girl
Weight gain:  17 pounds.  (But it'll be a lot more if I don't lay off the sweets!  Ergh!)
Maternity clothes: Eh.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (and wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Good!
Best moment this week: Seeing baby girl (and her perfect heart - which they checked extensively) on ultrasound, finding out I was right about her changing positions (she's now head down)... and seeing her drinking/swallowing!  All VERY good!  Runner up: sewing five dresses and cutting fabric for eight (8!) more.
Worst moment this week:  Being emotionally fragile and crying (from stress, not happiness) when my co-worker told me my boss is insisting on having a big going-away party for me at work.  Runner up: realizing my ankles are (already!?!) starting to swell.
Miss anything: A calm sciatic nerve.  The left one, to be exact.
Movement: Changed this week.  I had to sit really still or pay close attention while standing to feel her.  It was a little scary until I realized that: a) I'm still feeling her and b) she probably changed positions.
Cravings: Sushi.  (Finally took care of that on Saturday night!)
Queasy or sick:  Other than a mild sore throat?  Nah.
Looking forward to: Another ultrasound in a few weeks.

~Nichole

Adding up to Three

I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

As I was waking up on the morning of Friday, February 23, 2012, before my mind even struck consciousness, the tiniest whisper of a thought crossed my awareness: "you will have a third son when this one is two years old".

My belly was almost 28 weeks round with baby A, whom I was content to have be my last.  Two and done.  But suddenly the door I had hoped to close was lodged decidedly and firmly open.  My first conscious thought in response was "you've gotta be kiddin' me!"

I've long held out hope for a March baby.  A fish of our own!  So, when June 2013 came along, I got all weird and thoughtful and "is this our 'when'?".  We weren't anywhere near ready and decided it wasn't.  And then, I actually felt it.  A push.  A big push.  From our #3.  But since A had only barely turned a year old and I had just stopped pumping, I was all "give me just a minute!" By which, I meant "wait until October," obviously.

Two short months later, M came to me saying he had felt the push.  Baby gave up on me, and went to him, I guess.  And so, we finally paid attention and got two pink lines in early September.

I was finally done slogging through the first trimester affliction when we got news that something was wrong with our baby.  I quickly realized the second trimester couldn't save me now; I would never feel "safe".

It started the day I found out our supposed "he" was actually a "she".  Not a third son, an only girl.  "But," I thought - and then later gained the courage to say out loud to M -"it was supposed to be a son. . . does that mean we're going to lose this girl?"   I've worried every day since about something happening to this baby girl.  I've prayed, I've hoped, I've decided that it's not the first time I've been confused about revelation.  Gradually, that giant fear shrank, even if a little, and I was able to push it to the background.

But when someone - a specialist - gives voice and reason to your deepest, darkest fear, it rushes forth from the shadowlands of your heart and mind and sits firmly in the light for you to examine in all its frightening ugliness.

That happened last Friday.  What I had finally set aside as something I myself had manufactured in my mother-worry now became a harrowingly real possibility.  It cracked my psyche and I still haven't recovered. 

This past weekend, in trying to plan for how to dress this little one, whose arms and legs will be immovable (at first) and oddly positioned - meaning no onesies, no pants, no shoes - I decided to sew some tiny dresses.  I pulled out my fabric, printed and cut out the patterns, and matched them all up.  Then, I stopped.  I thought about that awful, unthinkable "what if" (again) and decided my fragile psyche would surely crumble apart at the sight of completed baby girl dresses that might never be worn.

This experience has already changed me in many ways.  I wonder often about being equal to the task of being the mother/advocate/caretaker for a special needs child.  I wonder about the alternative: never having that opportunity. 

And I think about my boys.  Yesterday, I realized how this has even permeated my interactions with them.  I find myself being more patient with them, and then silently thinking "See?"

Yesterday, I was praying about a lot of things, including this baby, and I uttered for the first time a truth I didn't even know existed about those "See?" moments...

I'm trying to prove that I'm worthy of her.

I'm trying to show I can do it.  That I am good enough to have her here with me.

And I suppose part of that is conquering the unspeakable fear.

So, today, I'm going to sew those dresses.  

~Nichole

23 Weeks

How far along: 23 weeks
Gender: Still a girl!
Weight gain:  16-ish pounds.
Maternity clothes: Sort of.  I kind of look at them when deciding what to wear and go "ugh".  So, not many.
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In. (and wedding ring is still on!)
Sleep: Good!
Best moment this week: Being able to prod this baby into moving with sweet drinks and breathing exercises.  And on Tuesday, I felt some sort of body part poking around...
Worst moment this week: Today was a pretty awful day.  We saw the neonatologist and, seriously (!), someone needs to show these people how to do a lead-in of bad news.  For one, you don't drop the bomb right after introductions... We met Dr. L today and among his first words was the (new to us) news that Arthrogryposis that is detected in the first trimester (as ours was) is often lethal.  That was very VERY hard to hear.  He also said that baby will likely be in the NICU during pretty much her entire hospital stay, meaning I'll be going up to the 3rd floor to visit her (not to mention that the tests they will conduct on her will be much more extensive than I even imagined).  I had to will myself not to cry and to keep it together and not break down several times.  Even so, Dr. L proved himself to be wonderfully compassionate (even if his profession forces him to be a realist) and he even gave us his personal cell number.  There's still so much we won't know until this baby is born, but we are hopeful.  And despite the hard news today, I am grateful for the opportunity to try to prepare as much emotionally and physically as I can.
Miss anything: Normal OB visits. (Seriously!)
Movement: Daily.  But I freak out a little if I haven't felt anything for a few hours.
Cravings: I still need to get my sushi on...
Queasy or sick:  Nope.  Not even after eating mass amounts of cookies...
Looking forward to: Quitting my job and being home with my boys before the craziness hits.

~Nichole

22 Weeks

sorry, no belly in this photo...

How far along: 22 weeks
Gender: In the words of the ultrasound-tech-of-the-week: "no boy parts!"
Weight gain:  About 14 pounds.
Maternity clothes: Sort of.
Stretch marks:  Nope. 
Belly button in or out: In. Maybe this one should be "Rings on or off" because it's more likely I'll lose the ability to wear my wedding ring than lose the innards of my belly button...
Sleep: Good, except when my brain won't shut off after my bladder has woken it up.
Best moment this week: Seeing baby girl on another ultrasound and feeling more bonded with her.  (but it's allowed me to hope this could really be real for us, which is scary!)  And being told that because we are so well-researched, we get to see the neonatologist earlier than we normally would.
Worst moment this week: Having the perinatologist list the gamut of tests she wants to run on me and the amount of appointments we'll be having.  And realizing how closed off my body language was and how much I was saying about how I felt about all that... As M said, we might as well get used to it; it's going to be the way it is for us for a long while.
Miss anything: Normal OB visits.
Movement: Every day now!  Hooray!
Cravings:  Still chocolate.  (Why can't it be apples?)
Queasy or sick:  Feeling good!
Looking forward to: Still looking forward to May!

**More about the perinatologist visit: I was relieved they did an ultrasound right off, so that we could all be on the same page and I didn't have to guess at what they knew or didn't know.  Everything still looks good, but baby is definitely transverse (sideways).  She was wiggling up a storm, and we *think* we saw her open her mouth - which would be good news because it would mean her jaw joint is not affected and feeding won't be as much of a problem (fingers crossed!).  With every ultrasound, she gets a new nickname: so far she's been called space cadet (14 wks), little mermaid (19 wks) and now the karate kid (because of the way her legs are positioned: looks a lot like the Karate Kid crane stance - I'll wait while you google that....).  I asked the (very young) rady tech if she'd ever scanned a baby with contractures like ours.  She said what I expected: no. 

Then we went to meet with the nurse and had the first semblance of a normal OB visit that I've had for about, oh, 10 or 12 weeks...  Then came the perinatologist.  Her first words, after introductions all around, were "you'll probably never see me again since I work out of our Scottsdale office," followed immediately by a push for us to get an amniocentesis.  I think that's when I crossed my arms and legs and leaned as far back in my chair as I could.  She then zinged us with news that Arthrogryposis could be just a symptom of another underlying disorder (I seriously thought we were past this?) such as a neuromuscular disorder that could be degenerative, and that an amniocentesis would allow us to be prepared.  Way to scare us, doc!  So, she said she wants us to see the genetic specialist in their office.  I'm going to let him go ahead and try to convince us...

I asked her about turning the baby and attempting a normal (non-cesaerean delivery) and she essentially said she didn't think the positioning of the baby's legs would allow her to turn the way she needs to be born vaginally.  I mentioned the research I'd read about it being better to delivery babies with Arthrogryposis at 38 weeks to get them out and moving sooner.  She looked at me like I suddenly had three eyes.  She basically said there's a question of lung development at 38 weeks and "we don't want to add anything to what we're already looking at".  (Curiously, she looked at me the same way - three eyes! - when I mentioned in-utero therapy to help baby move.)  She was not all bad: she was nice and set us up with the neonatologist that will be attending the delivery about 6-8 weeks sooner than she normally would.  (Go research!)  So, there's that.  I told her our genetic specialist told us he only sees about 5 cases of this a year.  And she said "that sounds about right".  Which means their practice sees only 4-5 a year.  I'm pretty sure she doesn't.

Long (long!) story short: I get to have an extra Rhogam shot, an extra glucose test, a 24-hour urine test, at least one non-stress test, scans and appointments every 2 weeks, and a partridge in a pear tree.  By the end, I was feeling pretty impatient with being treated more like a sick person than I ever have in my life.  {Don't get me wrong: I do believe they want best outcomes for me and baby.  But they are definitely practicing CYA-centered care (and it's not my "A" they want to "C"!).}  Still, I'm glad they're being cautious.  Ultimately, more scans mean more information and more opportunities to make sure this baby girl's doing well.

~Nichole

21 Weeks

How far along: 21 weeks
Gender: Girl!
Weight gain:  13 pounds.
Maternity clothes: A few.  But still: not if I can help it.  Maybe I should branch out a little though, since my last three pics are essentially starting to look like a uniform!
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In.
Sleep: Good!  (now that I can ignore my bladder...)
Best moment this week: Buying some GIRL clothes: a newborn outfit for the hospital and her first Christmas outfit (clearance!) for next year.
Worst moment this week: Had some spotting and light bleeding early in the week that had me scared and Googling.  I felt especially dumb since I blew off my last appointment with my OB - because I just didn't see the point - and don't see the perinatologist for a few weeks.
Miss anything: Does Hawaii count?
Movement:Yes!  Little wiggles every day.
Cravings:  I eat chocolate like it's going extinct. 
Queasy or sick: I keep forgetting that fast food and I don't mix.  I always feel gross after I eat it.
Looking forward to: MAY! (let's get this girl here safely!)

~Nichole

20 Weeks

How far along: 20 weeks (technically more than half way, since I'll likely be induced or have a c-section at 38 weeks)
Gender: Girl baby!
Weight gain: 11 pounds.
Maternity clothes: Not really. 
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In.
Sleep: Much better!
Best moment this week: Getting pretty much settled on a name.  I want to give her two middle names and M thinks it's weird, so that's still up for debate.
Worst moment this week: The hangover/headache from too many Christmas sweets.  (Yes, there IS such a thing!)
Miss anything: Not much.
Movement: Feeling movement more regularly. :)  Signed up for yoga and need to start walking to try and do what's called "in utero therapy" to get her moving.
Cravings:  I really want some sushi. 
Queasy or sick: Thankfully no.
Looking forward to: New Year's Eve game night!



~Nichole

19 Weeks

looks like I need to repaint my board!

How far along: 19 weeks (rounding the halfway mark!)
Gender: Girl!  DNA + Ultrasound = Believer... Yes, I made them check!
Weight gain: 9 pounds.
Maternity clothes: Finally got them out of the box and hung them in my closet.  But I am refusing to wear them until absolutely necessary. 
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In
Sleep: Good.  In fact, one night this week was REALLY good: both kids slept through the night (or at least C didn't wake me when he came into his "little bed" next to mine) and I only had to get up to go pee once!
Best moment this week: Seeing baby on the ultrasound today!  She's measuring properly, all organs looked great, her chest is normal size, her shoulders don't look turned in, her neck and spine look great (in fact she was arching her neck and back!), and she has a cute little facial profile.  So, right now, it looks like just her limbs are affected - basically unchanged from last time.  We don't know everything yet and I'll be playing musical doctors and seeing a perinatologist from now on.  But this is great news, for which we are very grateful, relieved and hopeful.
Worst moment this week: Not feeling baby move all Saturday and Sunday.  That was awful. 
Miss anything: Not really, but there's not a lot I take off the table (that I'm supposed to) when I'm pregnant.
Movement: Wiggles and a few thumps.
Cravings:  German hot dogs!  I'm going to a German deli in Phoenix tomorrow to get some for Christmas eve dinner... 
Queasy or sick: I ate fast food for the first time in almost two months and felt yucky afterward.  It started making me feel pretty sick in the first trimester, so I just didn't do it.  I feel like a snob saying "I don't eat fast food", but it seems like it's just something I can't do during this pregnancy.
Looking forward to: Going to see Christmas lights this weekend.  And Christmas, of course!

~Nichole

18 Weeks

How far along: 18 weeks
Gender: Girl! (But I won't believe it til I see it!)
Weight gain: 9 pounds.
Maternity clothes: Some. 
Stretch marks:  Nope.
Belly button in or out: In
Sleep: Good.  Mostly.
Best moment this week: Finally getting over the hump of this stupid cold.
Worst moment this week: Getting my third cold in 4.5 months. 
Miss anything: Being able to hide the fact that I'm pregnant (belly has officially popped!).
Movement: Little wiggles.
Cravings: Chocolate. 
Queasy or sick: Nope.  Hurrah!
Looking forward to: Seeing baby on the next ultrasound and (hopefully) getting some more information.

~Nichole

Dearest Boys

My dear little boys,

Right this very minute, before I get busy with something (like picking up the mess left in your stormy tornado wake, or tending to the mountain of dishes in our kitchen), I wanted to stop what I am doing to tell you how very very amazing I think each of you are!

C, you amaze me on a regular basis, usually by saying or doing something particularly clever or surprising. But yesterday was really quite something. We went to cut down a Christmas tree in the area near Woods Canyon Lake. You were beside yourself with excitement at seeing snow on the ground and about getting the perfect tree. We played in the snow and then got serious about hiking in it far back enough for the trees to stop being so scrawny and start filling out. By that time, we were in deep snow (up to your knees, I think). We climbed down off a hill and stepped into a drift. You called out for me, and I called your dad to backtrack for you. We thought you needed help, but you shrugged us off, and were just excited about being in such deep snow. We hiked back a ways more until we found our tree, which Dada quickly felled. Dada carried the tree, I carried your brother in the carrier, the chainsaw in one hand and the traditional tree stump section in the other. It was quite the load. We hiked back up that big hill and out of the woods and I was so impressed and amazed that you didn't get tired, didn't complain about the work it was to walk through the snow (you loved that it was "hard work"!), that you had a great time from start to finish, and never complained about being cold (even though your feet were soaked).  You are one pretty awesome little kid!

A, you are quickly cementing your place as the family jokester.  You love to make us laugh by walking silly, doing silly dances, or making silly faces.  And when you're not doing that, you love to give hugs and kisses to anyone willing to receive them.  When we were out in the woods yesterday, you surprised us with a new word: "teeeee!".  It was as if the only "real" trees are the ones in the woods and you remembered them from our camping trips this past summer.  And then today, you surprised me even more!  We were almost all the way through a (somewhat raucous and restless) sacrament meeting, when I started wondering how we were going to contain your tired energy through the rest of the meetings and it suddenly dawned on me that we didn't have to!  You turned 18 months old on the 24th!  Officially nursery age!  So, I took C to his class, then Dada and I took you to nursery for the First Time Ever.  We were both a little worried about separation anxiety, which peaked last month, but has since decreased a little.  We sat you at a table with a puzzle, made sure you were OK with that, then left quickly and watched for about 10 minutes outside the door.  Mostly you just chewed on puzzle pieces.  When it was clear you realized we were no longer there, but you didn't cry, we went to our class.  I kept turning to see if someone was going to bring you to me, but you never came.  After Sunday school, we checked on you again.  You were at a different table having a snack of apples and water (which you dumped all over yourself, just like a newbie 18 month old should!) and you looked So Very Cute, with your little self sitting at that table with your hippie hair hanging in your eyes and your bright, new shoes kicking underneath you!  I was very amazed that you did so well!  Hooray for you, my curious, funny baby boy!

We have so many small, wonderful moments, and I wanted to capture a few of those moments before they pass (all to quickly) by us, as they so often do. 

I love you each so much.  Thank you for being so amazing in your own ways!
~Mom

Getting Thumped!

So much of what might have been baby movement recently could just as easily been something else.

Until today.

This chica has been solidly thumping me all the livelong day. I fully expected less movement, but this is solid baby movement, which is just fine and dandy with me. I'm thankful...

~Nichole