This Pregnancy Grew Wings

Time is literally flying. And it’s in a desperate attempt to catalog some of this going-too-quickly, whirlwind of a pregnancy that I now write.

The “days left to go” have officially dropped down from triple digits, and now number at 99. I can’t believe I’ll be 26 weeks along tomorrow! I’ve seriously been meaning to get a belly pic for this kicking little progeny for over 2 weeks now. It’s crazy! Everyone of my family who said my belly was “tiny” two weeks ago probably wouldn’t think so now. And while I remember all too well that I can and will get bigger (I’m trying to block the mental images of my belly at full-term), it still seems impossible. Even so, I’m giving serious consideration to doing a belly cast just in case the baby factory closes after this one’s done cooking.

I’m hovering around 19 pounds of weight gain. I’m slightly more freaked about total weight gain this time than I was last time, but that doesn’t stop me from eating daily doses of things like cake, ice cream and chocolate. (Don’t worry! I also get good things like fruit, greek yogurt and baby carrots. . .)

I feel so hurried with life that it’s hard to remind myself to slow down and enjoy feeling this baby. I feel like during my pregnancy with C, I was so much more in tune with every little movement and felt more bonded with him. With this baby, I have to remind myself that there’s a baby in there and that he’s getting bigger every day. Still, this doesn’t leave me with the all-too-common worry that I won’t love this baby as much as I do C. My bigger worry is that I’ll be able to keep loving C the same (and more!) after the baby. When we had C, M and I went from a straight line to a triangle, and I remember that being a very scary prospect. And now, adding one more means we’ll have to pound those angles out to a nice, round circle. It’s just what happens when you have a new addition to a family, but being “under construction” isn’t always so tidy a process.

My confidence is more shaky this time around. I don’t know how that’s possible, since my pregnancy with C was my first full-term pregnancy. But, I know precisely what can possibly go wrong (I’ve heard way too many sad, but touching stories since I’ve been pregnant) and I just don’t think I have the first-time-everything-will-be-ok confidence I had last time. My biggest fear is losing the baby to pre-term birth. Even being 26 weeks along does little to assuage that fear, because when I think I’m almost out of the danger zone and into the safety net that 27 weeks provides, the statistic floats up that baby boys are more underdeveloped and have less fight than baby girls.

Still, this pregnancy is also more fun and exciting in some ways. M is also incredibly excited, now that having one has made the process that much more tangible and real for him than it was last time. Plus, this time we get to share the experience with C, who pats my belly and says “when dis baby is done growing, he’s gonna come see us”. (What else are you gonna tell a 2 year old when he pulls my shirt up and asks to see the baby – the same way he can see his “baby” (aka mini Pooh bear) when you zip down his jammies and baby bear “gets born”?)

~Nichole

Update at 23 Weeks

It has occurred to me that I haven’t updated a whole lot during this pregnancy. So, here’s a brief comparison of this time to last time, chart-style:

LESS
boobs
fatigue
weight gain
hair (thickness)
water drinking
chili dogs
patience

MORE
belly
morning sickness
headaches
hair (length)
prenatal taking
baby carrots
breathlessness

NEVER BEFORE
taking belly pictures
excessive saliva
consistently stuffy nose & sneezing
time is flying!
name already picked out
absolute commitment to make nursing work
having to worry about picking C up

~Nichole

Honeymoon Phase

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep from all the pregnancy insomnia or the fact that I am no longer doing Alice impressions (in fact, Alice seems to have left the building), but I swear the oddest things happened yesterday.

First, I woke up at the crack of stupid (in this case, around 3:00 a.m.) with a full bladder and the inability to fetch sleep back to my bed.

Then, I went to my doc appt. Dr. M reviewed the results of my nuchal fold test with me. He told me my risk profile for genetic problems looks like someone in their 20s. Stunned, I made some offhand comment that I always knew prematurity would work in my favor someday. He said “or immaturity.” And I said, “whichever it is, I’ll take it!”

But on the inside, I was all “that means we could probably go for 3 if we want”. And I was all “what the wha----?” and in my brain, I was kicking that other, more optimistic self in the tenders because when I was playing Alice down in that dark, deep hole, I swore I never wanted to do this again!

{And this, my friends, is why I call this trimester the “honeymoon” trimester. . . because we’re all swoony and in love with the being pregnant and it’s all great and fine and wonderful and birds and angels sing when our bellies pop and we feel baby movement. . . . until the crap hits the proverbial fan and we run out of abdominal real estate and have a body tenderize and mash up our nethers and our face (and then some) looks like an inhabitant of zombieland. Honeymoon over.}

His voice hailing me back to reality, Dr. M moved my due date up four days to May 31. Then I got to hear the hearbeat and Dr. M said something about the heart rate being girly, but I told him I remained on the fence. And then he asked about baby movement and I told him I was skeptical – because what I think might be baby might just as easily be intestinal passage of some sort.

But then, when I was sitting in a drive thru about a half hour later, I felt a little *bump! and I went “Oh.My.Gosh! That was a baby!” I texted M with crazyfingers and he called me and we laughed and hung up only after he said he’s So Excited for the anatomy scan in a few weeks.

~Nichole

Alice is Still in Underland

November 8, 2011

I think (hope!) I am almost done playing Alice to this pregnancy’s rabbit hole. You’ll recall I fell down into it around week 5. Last week, during week 8, I was climbing back out, only to go tumbling into a downward spiral once again.

I am nearing 10 weeks, feeling about 50% more surfaced, and – given some extenuating life circumstances – decided to break the good news/bad news to my boss. (Good news: he doesn’t have to worry about me going to part-time status any time in the foreseeable future. Bad news: He will need to find someone to work from him next summer.)

So, naturally, my brain starts devising a list of things I will due during my 12 week hiatus. Because in my fantasies, my second maternity leave is much like the first in that there is a squishy snuggly newborn and no 2.5 year old running about. In my fantasies, my second mat leave will include:

· a Harry Potter marathon
· gratuitous photo book updating
· naps!
· Friends on DVD
· morning walks (so long as the weather is temperate)
· lunch dates

~Nichole

Pregnant Birthdays and Sugar Sugar

October 27, 2011

I don't know what kind of cruelty it is that sugar - and particularly chocolate - mostly hits my pregnant stomach wrongly. Here it is my bday and there's a perfectly perfect white Safeway cake with raspberry filling sitting on my dining room table, of which I managed to choke down a single piece but can't bring myself to touch the rest. That's cruel is what that is.

(Still, I see myself unthawing frozen cake on some future day when my stomach stops being all tempestuous and flippy floppy.) (Well, maybe not the floppy part, 'cuz . . . well . . . )

This is the third birthday in my life I've been pregnant: the first met a too-early end, the second was during a full-term ripeness, and this third time is a couple of months in but not medically confirmed to my peace of mind. (That's tomorrow.)

~Nichole

I've Fallen (and I Can't Get Up)

October 24, 2011

I’ve been trying to abide by the old adage “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Or, I’ve been too freakin’ tired. Or both.

It’s like invasion of the body snatchers over here. I have long remembered what it was like during weeks 6 through 12 of my last pregnancy. But it turns out that remembering and experiencing are two very different things. I remembered, sure. But, doing it – THIS – is madness.

I’m able to push through the fatigue for the most part. But it really is all-encompassing. It’s soul sucking, too. I fell into a deep hole around week 5 and clamber as I might to try and get out of it, I think I’ll be here for another few (four-ish) weeks, at least. I’ve been so grossed out by the thought of vitamins that it’s all I can do some days to choke them down. And some days I don’t. But I really need to because the B6 seems to help with the nausea.

Anyway, if you’re looking for me, I’m somewhere down a deep, dark crevasse desperately awaiting rescue.

~Nichole

Mixed Bag

October 13, 2011

This state of Being carries a mixed bag of emotions.
Gratitude.
Awe.
Humility.
Hope . . .
Frustration.
Fear.
Doubt.
What-on-earth-did-i-get-myself-into.

I watched Elder Anderson’s conference talk again. It is amazing that the precise pattern he outlined about seeking to know when to have children is the one we followed. And we certainly got our answer. And we certainly obeyed. So, in an odd way, that is comforting. Comfort is a good thing to feel.

He also said that women need to be willing to bear children. I was very willing. Which helps when the trifecta of morning (all-day) sickness, fatigue and migraine headaches has got me in its grips. Yes, it helps to remember that I was very willing.

It also helps to remember that an elephant is eaten one bite at a time. There is no way I’m getting through these next few weeks in a lump. One step at a time is the only way to attempt such a feat.

More scary red spotting this week. When I got up in arms over it, I was praying and thought of the scripture “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and unto God the things which are God’s” (Mark 12:17). In talking with Him about it, I figured that any child He sends us is His to begin with, and there is absolutely nothing I can do either way to prevent a miscarriage anyway, so why worry overmuch about much of anything. I’m rendering unto God that which is already His.

~Nichole

In Real (4 a.m.) Time

I am trying not to be a whiner.

I am also trying not to be a martyr to this pregnancy.

But darn it if I didn't freakin' forget all about the plaguery (made up word) of pregnancy insomnia, particularly while under the influence of caffeine or a hungry stomach! How could I forget??

While I am waiting to feel tired again (and dreading the busy morning I have planned with C), I am spending gobs of time reading Swistle's baby names blog. Which, really, only serves to make me more awake. I start planning my own "Dear Swistle" name submission for when (if) they ever start accepting them again. You know, just in case this baby's a girl. (We've got the boy names down pat this time!)

~Nichole

Sickness

October 8, 2011

I've been thinking lately how it's very strange that they call it "symptoms of pregnancy". Like it's a sickness.

Then, when I don't feel well, my brain goes "wow! This isn't right at all. Something's wrong. Why do I feel so yucky?" and then it answers itself "Um, you're pregnant. This is normal." And I go "Oh yeah!"

So, yes, symptoms. Mine are on a slow build. Yesterday my stomach straight up flatlined while we were at the park and I had to sit down. This morning, I got through breakfast, a shower (for me), and a bath (for C) and then had to come sit down.

And as "wrong" as it feels, I am so glad.

~Nichole

Why Not?

October 4, 2011

I stomp out the embers of excitement until they grow cold in the dirt, not out of cruelty, but as a means of protecting myself from hurt.

This morning, under the crushing weight of evil twins Worry and Fear, I continued my prayer for some sort of reassurance, the lasting kind I know can only come from a loving Father. I explained to him how I’m scared to hope, scared to be happy or excited, because, well, the less you go up the less you come down.

I corresponded with a friend who’s planning a wedding:
-Wooooohoooo! (Of course, that said, I’ll likely be largely pregnant by that time.)
-Well, we will just have to find you a pretty preggers dress.
-Yes, do. Something that will fit an . . . .(counts fingers) 8.5 month preggo belly.
-Are you counting a known entity or “The Plan”?
-The Plan has been loosely interpreted. Last Thursday, I peed on a stick last week and saw , so it’s official.

I typed the words “it’s official” haltingly. In the aftermath of hitting Send, I thought about those words. Excitement popped its head back up, looking warily for an all-clear from my relentless stomping.

Then, the tiniest whisper of a voice.

Why not just be happy? It’s OK to be happy!

And so I am.

I am giddy like a schoolgirl, giggling and delighted, reveling in the lightness of being that comes from having the dark cloud of those gloomy twins dispelled.

It feels good!


And it's almost tempting enough to start sharing the news, declaring my happiness to the world. . .


Almost.


(Maybe for my birthday?)


In the meantime, I'm only 4 weeks pregnant, but I feel like I look like I'm 4 months.
True story.

~Nichole