Salty Mama

I went for a real walk today. Not just a walk around the block or around the neighborhood. I got out my visor, put my hair in a pony tail, put on my running shoes and my iPod and took the baby out and walked for over 2 miles.

It was a warm day today. But, as I walked my former running route, I noticed that the sky was fantastically clear. The Supers looked awesome and I could see Four Peaks like it was the city's back yard. It all made me excited to start running.

When I was pregnant, I was convinced I'd get out and start another Couch to 5k at around 3 weeks postpartum. To that, I now say "Ha!" Mostly because I felt non-human at least that long and that I still feel sore in sundry places.

As I walked that road, I was bored. Like worse than running-without-an-iPod bored. In fact, running was preferable to the slow trod of walking 2 miles. Then, I started to remember. . . I remember how hard I had to push myself at times just to get to the end of a running segment - and then, when I was routinely running 5k, how I'd sometimes just have to concentrate on the white line of the bike lane and make myself keep going.

So, I have a new plan. In a few weeks, when I go back to work and have to be up wicked early to get the baby ready to get out the door with his dad at 6 a.m., I will just stay up and go "running" (evenutally it will be the real thing) three days a week (then get to work early myself).

I heard System of a Down on my iPod today and it always gets me going. So, I know I can do it.

When we got back to the house, I was sweaty and it was fabulous. I even opened the front door and the kitchen window and turned on a fan.

True, C napped almost the whole time, but we had fun! Pretty soon, he's gonna have a sweaty mama much more often.
~Nichole

Favorite/Unfavorite

A few of my favorite things lately:

~ My favoritest thing in the world right now is the shape C's mouth makes when he's "talking" to me.

~Next favorite is the sound of his voice.

~I love seeing M as a dad. (He's the best.)

~I love seeing the store of breastmilk in my fridge and freezer.

~I love seeing the scale dropping into the 170s.

Unfavorite things I'd rather not think about:

~Having to leave C to go back to work and missing milestones. (upside: M will be home with him 2 days a week.)

~Having to make a decision about vaccines by Monday's ped appointment. (upside: we'll be reading a lot this weekend and praying for answers.)

~Knowing I'd probably be lower in the 170s if not for all the baked holiday goodness I ate during the month of December. (upside: I'm still losing weight, been here before, and know I can do it!)

~Nichole

Big Baby

I was in Babies R Us yesterday (because I'm there at least once a week now) and a dad walked by carrying the tiniest new baby. I went "Awwwww! Tiny baby!" and my sister on the other end of my cell phone said "what do you mean? You have a tiny baby!"

"Not anymore" I told her.

He's had a major growth spurt in the last week or so. He doesn't look "newborn" anymore. He's an "infant" now.

But he's still really cute.

And if I were better than I am, I would have pictures to post to prove it.

But, I'm not.

And I have to go rouse a sleepy headed baby who can't decide whether he wants to wake or snooze.

~Nichole

Times, They Are a Changin'

The things we said/thought we'd do "when we have kids" were many. Here are how they've changed:

~I used to say that twins "would be fun". Now that I've actually had a baby, I realize that the first few weeks with twins would be torture. (And that's just the first few weeks!)

~We used to think "a diaper is a diaper is a diaper" and that we'd just go with what was cheapest. That was until we got spoiled on Pampers in the hospital. Everything else feels a little cardboardy and we found ourselves saying "we can't put that next to his skin!". Ditto with wipes.

~I thought we'd have the baby in our room for a few weeks and then transition him to his own room. Turns out, dad says he might be in our room "until he can sleep through the night". Or, you know, indefinitely. Who really knows?

~Ditto with co-sleeping. I never thought we'd have a baby in our bed. I was very very opposed to co-sleeping. We purchased a pack n play with a bassinet feature for just such a purpose. And yet, there are times when he sleeps between us in our already-too-small queen size bed. (Like the entire first week he was home. And when I'm too tired to get up to check on him.)

I'm sure the list will be astronomically long by the time he's good and raised. I think parenting is just like that. The reality of it is that you make decisions every day and turns out that the decision making process sometimes requires compromises and changes of thought.

That's just how it goes, I guess.

~Nichole

Turning Breastmilk Into Wine

I have quite the stock of frozen breastmilk. I've had to buy plastic bins to keep it all organized - and to keep all those little bags from taking over my freezer.

Right now I have in my refrigerator bags of breastmilk dated 12/31/09 and 1/1/10. Two days. Two different years. Two different decades. Stored up and sitting in my fridge.

It reminds me of the book Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury - where he talks about bottles of dandelion wine and how each bottle represents an entire summer day, caught and bottled and corked up to be savored another time.

Only that milk, unlike wine, does not get better with age. . .

Hmmm.

~Nichole

Bulk Info

I don't have the time to post the snippets as they occur in my head - like it used to be around here, so bulk updates will have to do - even though I should technically be sleeping.

I cannot believe my baby is already 7 weeks old (today).

For his Christmas present, since I don't scrapbook, I'm putting together a photo album of my pregnancy, his birth, and his first few months of life. I'll write cliff notes in the margins. That's my version of a scrapbook.

I moved up my postpartum check up. It was scheduled for today (for some reason) but I didn't want to wait an "extra" week, so I called and moved it to a week ago. I love my doctor. I'll miss seeing him regularly. Everything looks fine. He warned me that Miss V probably won't be back to normal for up to 6 months after I stop breastfeeding.

He asked how breastfeeding is going and I told him about the LC at the hospital telling me I would be pumping. He responded "yeah. you have interesting anatomy." I really don't know exactly what that means and since the sentences he started after that one never got finished ("For some babies you might be perfect but. . . " "Your areolas are. . . "). He did say I'm lucky that I'm producing well given that I'm pumping exclusively. He said some women have problems with that.

Then we talked about birth control. Then he launched into his version of Marriage Relationships 101: men need to be praised for every little thing and women need to be chased and wooed for their entire lives. Some people might find such advice annoying, but such conversations with my doc are really part of his charm and the reason I find him so funny.

I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work and I'm really really trying not to think about it. Except that we have to get serious about finding childcare, which kind of forces the issue.

I've had a couple of days (OK, one) where I've been really bored and thought "how on earth do SAHMs do it!?" but for the most part, it's been OK. Mostly I just think "how will I ever get a baby and myself ready and be out the door before 2 in the afternoon?" I've only been able to accomplish that a couple of times and it means sacrificing my sleep during C's first morning nap. Which pretty much stinks. Especially since I tend to stay up late to pump. And, occasionally, to post.

Alright. Gotta go pump, finish packing M's lunch, and get myself to bed. Baby'll be up soon to eat and I need some sleep!

~Nichole

Blue Jeans and Wedding Rings

Toward the end, when I was pretty much swollen and very uncomfortable, I yearned for normal feet and daydreamed about some future day when I might be able to wear something other than flip flops.

Then, I would take it a step further and allow myself the luxury of imagining some future day when I would be able to wear jeans again.

Then, I would really tempt myself and think of the day when I might even be able to wear my wedding ring again.

I am glad to say that I can wear all my shoes again, which is good since flip flops and 40 degree weather don't go so well together.

Also, I'm sort of almost there with the jeans thing. Sort of, in that I can fit into my "fat girl" jeans - size 32 with 2% spandex. My "skinny" jeans are still waiting for me to lose the other 20 pounds.

As for the wedding ring. . . I can only wear my replacement ring - the one M and I picked up way back in 1995 at a street vendor near Pier 41 in San Francisco.

The one with the diamonds that he bought me 4 years later is still shelved. I can technically get it on. Having been this weight before, I know this. (Plus, I tried it on the other day.) But, I also know that in order to get it off after wearing it for any length of time I'll have to twist it round and round like I'm unscrewing a nut from a chubby, swollen bolt. And when that doesn't work, I have to resort to tactics involving soap and water.

In short, it's time to start walking, drinking more water, and eating more fruits and veg. . . and to fight off my carb cravings like my life depends on it!

~Nichole

Baby Cries, Momma Cries

It's 3:15 in the morning. I just spent the last hour feeding and rocking the baby back to sleep. Now I'm pumping.

A mom's work is never done.

But, his deliciousness is neverending. In fact, it's increasing by the day. (I love him!)

When I was cooking dinner, he was snoozing on the couch, tucked comfortably into his boppy. Then, allofthesudden, he was crying. 0 to 60. By the time I got to him a couple of minutes later, he was crying so hard he was barely able to breathe. He was going from angry red to breathless purple.

I looked at him and it scared me. He was very very angry. He didn't look like my boy at all.

I put on my soothing voice, picked him up and laid him on my chest. He quieted immediately, exhausted from the effort of crying so hard.

Then, while my dinner was burning on the stove, chili charring itself into the bottom of my saucepan, I started to cry even as the baby calmed.

"I don't want him to have to cry like that in childcare, where he might not get picked up and soothed as quickly," I mumbled to myself, tears streaming down my face as I looked down into his.

I recovered. Then, I blamed it on the hormones.

~Nichole

Reflections

The baby was sleeping Sunday and I found myself doing laundry, cleaning the leftovers out of the fridge, faxing insurance paperwork and claims, preparing thank you cards, and starting his Baby's First Year calendar.

All of which must mean I'm feeling more human. Oh, and that M took the early morning feeding Sunday morning, which means I got more sleep. (Then the poor man got up and went to his meetings at church while I rested with the baby at home. He's awesome!)

I can't believe it's taken 3 weeks to get to this point. I mean, officially, I'm exhausted by about 5 every evening. Like, really really crazy tired. But it seems to be the only time of day that we can manage to get out of the house for some reason.

Saturday night we went on a sort of date night. We went out to eat and then walked around the mall and got a ice cream cone at DQ. Then we made out like we were teenagers again. . . doctor's orders about de minimis use of the downstairs area, you know.

I'm still in awe that I had a baby. That we have a baby. That he was incubating inside me and now he's out.

It's crazy that I'm still healing. My ab muscles are sore in weird areas. My tailbone still hurts and I swear I bruised it during labor. My groin muscles are still tight and sore. I'm still "leaking". Crazy!

My baby is already changing. His cord stump finally fell off right around Thanksgiving. He's been out of the house almost daily, but not really around people (other than family). We're waiting until he's at least a month old. He's getting longer. He has baby acne. His eye infection is finally clearing up. He's very kissable, especially his cheeks and neck. He's a grunter, mostly when he's waking up or really hungry. He's a good baby and we love him to pieces.

I send M at least 1 picture/text message every day because M misses the baby so badly while he's at work. He's offered to be be a stay at home dad, work part time and finish up school quicker. We're looking into that option.

I'm going to cut my hair off on Thursday. I'm so excited! It hasn't been this long in 10 years, but it's up so much that it's not worth it to me any more, especially when I'm finding strands of hair in the laundry and on my baby. Not cool.

I'm hoping to start walking/preparing to transition to Couch to 5k this week. My weight is down to what was my pre-pregnancy heaviest - the weight at which I began losing weight in 2007 simply by cutting back on soda, drinking more water, and making healthier eating choices. I'm cooking more at home again, so the eating better should be easier. The comforting thing is that I've been this weight before and got down, so I know I can do it again.

I did go out to grab some food a couple of nights ago. It's the first time I've been away from the baby since I got pregnant and watched every minute of that 15 minutes. It was nice and strange at the same time. It does not make me excited for having to go back to work.

I've been to Babies R Us twice in two days - picking up stuff like more clothes, pacifiers, quilted play yard sheets. . . and L and I spent over an hour looking at bottles today. I never in a million years would have guessed that I would one day spend that much time obsessing over which bottle "system" would be the best (and not leak all over the place), but there it is. That's my badge of motherhood for the day.

Let's see. . . what else?

I think that's enough for now.

~Nichole

Zombieland

I've officially survived the last 2 weeks! So has the baby. So has the daddy.

Last night found me pumping (you know "pumping" because I can't get this baby to breastfeed) and crying into a receiving blanket because my husband was going back to work today and I was going to miss him but didn't want to cry in front of him and make him feel sadder than he already was. Then, it made me worried whether this episode meant I was kicking over into the realm of postpartum depression. I decided I was just sad and a little anxious.

On the list of things people don't tell you about life with a newborn: how fiercely you can miss your husband of 10 years because both of you are walking around in a zombiefied stupor for the last 2 weeks.

Also on that list: taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. OK. Maybe I did know that one. It's just that no amount of knowing can truly prepare you for it.

After pregnancy and childbirth, I was all "that wasn't so bad! I could do that at least one or two more times". These last two weeks has whittled that down to only one more time. Seriously. I just started feeling human. . . oh, Saturday night (when I cuddled next to my husband on the couch after putting the baby to bed). Then, 5 minutes later, I was exhausted again and ready for bed myself.

Baby's already getting bigger. In exchange, according to the natural order of things, I am getting smaller. I'm losing water and weight, which is fabulous.

We're starting to settle into some sort of (dare I say?) routine, in so far as the baby sleeps 3-4 hour stretches at night and we can at least get some decent sleep in between feedings.

Today was my first day all alone with the baby, which meant he cried more than he's used to, but we survived. But we're both secretly glad this is a short work week for dad! Another thing to be thankful for!

~Nichole