Bulk Info

I don't have the time to post the snippets as they occur in my head - like it used to be around here, so bulk updates will have to do - even though I should technically be sleeping.

I cannot believe my baby is already 7 weeks old (today).

For his Christmas present, since I don't scrapbook, I'm putting together a photo album of my pregnancy, his birth, and his first few months of life. I'll write cliff notes in the margins. That's my version of a scrapbook.

I moved up my postpartum check up. It was scheduled for today (for some reason) but I didn't want to wait an "extra" week, so I called and moved it to a week ago. I love my doctor. I'll miss seeing him regularly. Everything looks fine. He warned me that Miss V probably won't be back to normal for up to 6 months after I stop breastfeeding.

He asked how breastfeeding is going and I told him about the LC at the hospital telling me I would be pumping. He responded "yeah. you have interesting anatomy." I really don't know exactly what that means and since the sentences he started after that one never got finished ("For some babies you might be perfect but. . . " "Your areolas are. . . "). He did say I'm lucky that I'm producing well given that I'm pumping exclusively. He said some women have problems with that.

Then we talked about birth control. Then he launched into his version of Marriage Relationships 101: men need to be praised for every little thing and women need to be chased and wooed for their entire lives. Some people might find such advice annoying, but such conversations with my doc are really part of his charm and the reason I find him so funny.

I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work and I'm really really trying not to think about it. Except that we have to get serious about finding childcare, which kind of forces the issue.

I've had a couple of days (OK, one) where I've been really bored and thought "how on earth do SAHMs do it!?" but for the most part, it's been OK. Mostly I just think "how will I ever get a baby and myself ready and be out the door before 2 in the afternoon?" I've only been able to accomplish that a couple of times and it means sacrificing my sleep during C's first morning nap. Which pretty much stinks. Especially since I tend to stay up late to pump. And, occasionally, to post.

Alright. Gotta go pump, finish packing M's lunch, and get myself to bed. Baby'll be up soon to eat and I need some sleep!

~Nichole

Blue Jeans and Wedding Rings

Toward the end, when I was pretty much swollen and very uncomfortable, I yearned for normal feet and daydreamed about some future day when I might be able to wear something other than flip flops.

Then, I would take it a step further and allow myself the luxury of imagining some future day when I would be able to wear jeans again.

Then, I would really tempt myself and think of the day when I might even be able to wear my wedding ring again.

I am glad to say that I can wear all my shoes again, which is good since flip flops and 40 degree weather don't go so well together.

Also, I'm sort of almost there with the jeans thing. Sort of, in that I can fit into my "fat girl" jeans - size 32 with 2% spandex. My "skinny" jeans are still waiting for me to lose the other 20 pounds.

As for the wedding ring. . . I can only wear my replacement ring - the one M and I picked up way back in 1995 at a street vendor near Pier 41 in San Francisco.

The one with the diamonds that he bought me 4 years later is still shelved. I can technically get it on. Having been this weight before, I know this. (Plus, I tried it on the other day.) But, I also know that in order to get it off after wearing it for any length of time I'll have to twist it round and round like I'm unscrewing a nut from a chubby, swollen bolt. And when that doesn't work, I have to resort to tactics involving soap and water.

In short, it's time to start walking, drinking more water, and eating more fruits and veg. . . and to fight off my carb cravings like my life depends on it!

~Nichole

Baby Cries, Momma Cries

It's 3:15 in the morning. I just spent the last hour feeding and rocking the baby back to sleep. Now I'm pumping.

A mom's work is never done.

But, his deliciousness is neverending. In fact, it's increasing by the day. (I love him!)

When I was cooking dinner, he was snoozing on the couch, tucked comfortably into his boppy. Then, allofthesudden, he was crying. 0 to 60. By the time I got to him a couple of minutes later, he was crying so hard he was barely able to breathe. He was going from angry red to breathless purple.

I looked at him and it scared me. He was very very angry. He didn't look like my boy at all.

I put on my soothing voice, picked him up and laid him on my chest. He quieted immediately, exhausted from the effort of crying so hard.

Then, while my dinner was burning on the stove, chili charring itself into the bottom of my saucepan, I started to cry even as the baby calmed.

"I don't want him to have to cry like that in childcare, where he might not get picked up and soothed as quickly," I mumbled to myself, tears streaming down my face as I looked down into his.

I recovered. Then, I blamed it on the hormones.

~Nichole

Reflections

The baby was sleeping Sunday and I found myself doing laundry, cleaning the leftovers out of the fridge, faxing insurance paperwork and claims, preparing thank you cards, and starting his Baby's First Year calendar.

All of which must mean I'm feeling more human. Oh, and that M took the early morning feeding Sunday morning, which means I got more sleep. (Then the poor man got up and went to his meetings at church while I rested with the baby at home. He's awesome!)

I can't believe it's taken 3 weeks to get to this point. I mean, officially, I'm exhausted by about 5 every evening. Like, really really crazy tired. But it seems to be the only time of day that we can manage to get out of the house for some reason.

Saturday night we went on a sort of date night. We went out to eat and then walked around the mall and got a ice cream cone at DQ. Then we made out like we were teenagers again. . . doctor's orders about de minimis use of the downstairs area, you know.

I'm still in awe that I had a baby. That we have a baby. That he was incubating inside me and now he's out.

It's crazy that I'm still healing. My ab muscles are sore in weird areas. My tailbone still hurts and I swear I bruised it during labor. My groin muscles are still tight and sore. I'm still "leaking". Crazy!

My baby is already changing. His cord stump finally fell off right around Thanksgiving. He's been out of the house almost daily, but not really around people (other than family). We're waiting until he's at least a month old. He's getting longer. He has baby acne. His eye infection is finally clearing up. He's very kissable, especially his cheeks and neck. He's a grunter, mostly when he's waking up or really hungry. He's a good baby and we love him to pieces.

I send M at least 1 picture/text message every day because M misses the baby so badly while he's at work. He's offered to be be a stay at home dad, work part time and finish up school quicker. We're looking into that option.

I'm going to cut my hair off on Thursday. I'm so excited! It hasn't been this long in 10 years, but it's up so much that it's not worth it to me any more, especially when I'm finding strands of hair in the laundry and on my baby. Not cool.

I'm hoping to start walking/preparing to transition to Couch to 5k this week. My weight is down to what was my pre-pregnancy heaviest - the weight at which I began losing weight in 2007 simply by cutting back on soda, drinking more water, and making healthier eating choices. I'm cooking more at home again, so the eating better should be easier. The comforting thing is that I've been this weight before and got down, so I know I can do it again.

I did go out to grab some food a couple of nights ago. It's the first time I've been away from the baby since I got pregnant and watched every minute of that 15 minutes. It was nice and strange at the same time. It does not make me excited for having to go back to work.

I've been to Babies R Us twice in two days - picking up stuff like more clothes, pacifiers, quilted play yard sheets. . . and L and I spent over an hour looking at bottles today. I never in a million years would have guessed that I would one day spend that much time obsessing over which bottle "system" would be the best (and not leak all over the place), but there it is. That's my badge of motherhood for the day.

Let's see. . . what else?

I think that's enough for now.

~Nichole

Zombieland

I've officially survived the last 2 weeks! So has the baby. So has the daddy.

Last night found me pumping (you know "pumping" because I can't get this baby to breastfeed) and crying into a receiving blanket because my husband was going back to work today and I was going to miss him but didn't want to cry in front of him and make him feel sadder than he already was. Then, it made me worried whether this episode meant I was kicking over into the realm of postpartum depression. I decided I was just sad and a little anxious.

On the list of things people don't tell you about life with a newborn: how fiercely you can miss your husband of 10 years because both of you are walking around in a zombiefied stupor for the last 2 weeks.

Also on that list: taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. OK. Maybe I did know that one. It's just that no amount of knowing can truly prepare you for it.

After pregnancy and childbirth, I was all "that wasn't so bad! I could do that at least one or two more times". These last two weeks has whittled that down to only one more time. Seriously. I just started feeling human. . . oh, Saturday night (when I cuddled next to my husband on the couch after putting the baby to bed). Then, 5 minutes later, I was exhausted again and ready for bed myself.

Baby's already getting bigger. In exchange, according to the natural order of things, I am getting smaller. I'm losing water and weight, which is fabulous.

We're starting to settle into some sort of (dare I say?) routine, in so far as the baby sleeps 3-4 hour stretches at night and we can at least get some decent sleep in between feedings.

Today was my first day all alone with the baby, which meant he cried more than he's used to, but we survived. But we're both secretly glad this is a short work week for dad! Another thing to be thankful for!

~Nichole

When Soul Meets Body. . . .

C. E. F.

11-9-09

8 lbs, 9 oz

22 inches long

~Nichole

When You Wish. . .

I told the doc today was supposed to be the end of the line, but it looks like we’ll be laying down some track. Then, doc uttered the words I longed to hear: “You’re measuring 39 ½, which is right where you should be. You’re a ‘wiggly’ 1 ½ cms dilated (he put 1.5-2 in my chart). You’re 70% thinned. What do you want to do? We can wait for you to go on your own, which I think will happen in the next 3 to 7 days, or we can schedule you for an induction and make it happen.” I told him I’d like to wait another week, at least.

Even as I said them, I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth - but with my recent progress, and his positive 3-7 day guesstimate, I figured “what the heck?” Just in case, we scheduled me for induction next Wednesday evening, but doc says he doesn’t think I’ll make it that far.

He said whether or not I keep working is up to me. I told him I’m going to go for it. Worst case scenario is that it’s only 4 more days, since I work for the government and Wednesday is a holiday. Surely, I can do 4 more days and not go postal from being fatigued, swollen, and waddling everywhere I go.

In the meantime, I’ve really got to get some groceries (tonight), have a date night with my husband (Friday night), and finish packing that darned hospital bag (Saturday morning/while in early labor??)!

Ever since this afternoon, I've been losing little bits of my mucus plug. Then, about 20 minutes ago, a big clump. . .

Let's get this party started!

~Nichole

Talk (Progress) to Me

Today’s the day I have been aiming at getting to “intact” for several weeks now. Now, with my replacement(s) fully trained at work and M’s semester fully behind him (save the report of his final grade and the filing of leave of absence paperwork for school), I can say we’re truly ready. While everyone is free to float their predictions – so far the clear leader is “sometime this weekend” – I’m ready any time now. Whether Body and Baby agree is an entirely different matter.

So, in that vein, these are the some of the words I would LOVE to hear my doc to say to me tomorrow:

“You’re _____% effaced!” (50 would be nice)
“You’re ____cms dilated!” (1 ½ would be nice)
“Baby’s head is engaged! You’re at __ station!” (-1 or 0 would be nice)
“I think it’ll be ‘sometime this weekend’! Want me to strip your membranes while I'm down here?”

~Nichole

Lists. . . oh and Spectator Sports

I think my "to do lists" are about as done as they are going to get. Well, that is, I still technically need to finish packing hospital bag(s). And I haven't hung pictures in the nursery yet. And I should walk to try and get this baby out. And my house is a mess. And I need to get groceries. And I should really air up my exercise/"birth" ball. And I'm exhausted, so I should probably sleep sometime in there.

But, things are wrapping up nicely at work. In fact, after tomorrow, there's almost not a need for me to be there. (Almost.) And the school work is now done for a couple of months thanks to my husband's AWEsome wife who helped him finish (i.e. basically did for him) his last project. And if M can get through 4 hours of work tomorrow (I'm sure he can), he'll officially be eligible for FMLA.

So. . .the photo albums? Not getting done anytime soon (unless I skip out on work and take leave "early").

The childcare issue? Will have to wait until the baby's here and we have some time off to go and tour a couple of places.

L&D convo with doc? Is SO happening on Thursday.

If he tells me I've still made no progress, I might or might not cry. Because the daily questions about "when" I'm going into labor are bordering on harassment. I'm as much of a spectator here as anyone else. . . watching, waiting. . .

And, no, there's not a "pool" yet on when the blessed event will actually take place. At least not to my knowledge.

~Nichole

Lessons from Nemo

This baby's been moving nearly non-stop for over an hour and a half.

Memo to Baby:
SWIM DOWN!!

~Nichole