Zombieland

I've officially survived the last 2 weeks! So has the baby. So has the daddy.

Last night found me pumping (you know "pumping" because I can't get this baby to breastfeed) and crying into a receiving blanket because my husband was going back to work today and I was going to miss him but didn't want to cry in front of him and make him feel sadder than he already was. Then, it made me worried whether this episode meant I was kicking over into the realm of postpartum depression. I decided I was just sad and a little anxious.

On the list of things people don't tell you about life with a newborn: how fiercely you can miss your husband of 10 years because both of you are walking around in a zombiefied stupor for the last 2 weeks.

Also on that list: taking care of a newborn is a lot of work. OK. Maybe I did know that one. It's just that no amount of knowing can truly prepare you for it.

After pregnancy and childbirth, I was all "that wasn't so bad! I could do that at least one or two more times". These last two weeks has whittled that down to only one more time. Seriously. I just started feeling human. . . oh, Saturday night (when I cuddled next to my husband on the couch after putting the baby to bed). Then, 5 minutes later, I was exhausted again and ready for bed myself.

Baby's already getting bigger. In exchange, according to the natural order of things, I am getting smaller. I'm losing water and weight, which is fabulous.

We're starting to settle into some sort of (dare I say?) routine, in so far as the baby sleeps 3-4 hour stretches at night and we can at least get some decent sleep in between feedings.

Today was my first day all alone with the baby, which meant he cried more than he's used to, but we survived. But we're both secretly glad this is a short work week for dad! Another thing to be thankful for!

~Nichole

When Soul Meets Body. . . .

C. E. F.

11-9-09

8 lbs, 9 oz

22 inches long

~Nichole

When You Wish. . .

I told the doc today was supposed to be the end of the line, but it looks like we’ll be laying down some track. Then, doc uttered the words I longed to hear: “You’re measuring 39 ½, which is right where you should be. You’re a ‘wiggly’ 1 ½ cms dilated (he put 1.5-2 in my chart). You’re 70% thinned. What do you want to do? We can wait for you to go on your own, which I think will happen in the next 3 to 7 days, or we can schedule you for an induction and make it happen.” I told him I’d like to wait another week, at least.

Even as I said them, I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of my mouth - but with my recent progress, and his positive 3-7 day guesstimate, I figured “what the heck?” Just in case, we scheduled me for induction next Wednesday evening, but doc says he doesn’t think I’ll make it that far.

He said whether or not I keep working is up to me. I told him I’m going to go for it. Worst case scenario is that it’s only 4 more days, since I work for the government and Wednesday is a holiday. Surely, I can do 4 more days and not go postal from being fatigued, swollen, and waddling everywhere I go.

In the meantime, I’ve really got to get some groceries (tonight), have a date night with my husband (Friday night), and finish packing that darned hospital bag (Saturday morning/while in early labor??)!

Ever since this afternoon, I've been losing little bits of my mucus plug. Then, about 20 minutes ago, a big clump. . .

Let's get this party started!

~Nichole

Talk (Progress) to Me

Today’s the day I have been aiming at getting to “intact” for several weeks now. Now, with my replacement(s) fully trained at work and M’s semester fully behind him (save the report of his final grade and the filing of leave of absence paperwork for school), I can say we’re truly ready. While everyone is free to float their predictions – so far the clear leader is “sometime this weekend” – I’m ready any time now. Whether Body and Baby agree is an entirely different matter.

So, in that vein, these are the some of the words I would LOVE to hear my doc to say to me tomorrow:

“You’re _____% effaced!” (50 would be nice)
“You’re ____cms dilated!” (1 ½ would be nice)
“Baby’s head is engaged! You’re at __ station!” (-1 or 0 would be nice)
“I think it’ll be ‘sometime this weekend’! Want me to strip your membranes while I'm down here?”

~Nichole

Lists. . . oh and Spectator Sports

I think my "to do lists" are about as done as they are going to get. Well, that is, I still technically need to finish packing hospital bag(s). And I haven't hung pictures in the nursery yet. And I should walk to try and get this baby out. And my house is a mess. And I need to get groceries. And I should really air up my exercise/"birth" ball. And I'm exhausted, so I should probably sleep sometime in there.

But, things are wrapping up nicely at work. In fact, after tomorrow, there's almost not a need for me to be there. (Almost.) And the school work is now done for a couple of months thanks to my husband's AWEsome wife who helped him finish (i.e. basically did for him) his last project. And if M can get through 4 hours of work tomorrow (I'm sure he can), he'll officially be eligible for FMLA.

So. . .the photo albums? Not getting done anytime soon (unless I skip out on work and take leave "early").

The childcare issue? Will have to wait until the baby's here and we have some time off to go and tour a couple of places.

L&D convo with doc? Is SO happening on Thursday.

If he tells me I've still made no progress, I might or might not cry. Because the daily questions about "when" I'm going into labor are bordering on harassment. I'm as much of a spectator here as anyone else. . . watching, waiting. . .

And, no, there's not a "pool" yet on when the blessed event will actually take place. At least not to my knowledge.

~Nichole

Lessons from Nemo

This baby's been moving nearly non-stop for over an hour and a half.

Memo to Baby:
SWIM DOWN!!

~Nichole

Ding!

This baby is good and cooked. Apparently, I’m the only one who thinks so, since I’ve essentially made no progress cervix-wise since last week. Nope. All my doc’s other patients went into labor the night before my appointment, “and not one of them was due yet”. (Why does he torture me with such tales?) Me? Still under 1cm dilated and still working on the softening part. I think M is secretly praying I hold out until next Wednesday, which is when he’ll be eligible for FMLA and will be able to take a nice two or three week break with me and the baby.

The doc asked me about fetal movement, which I had been a little freaked about on the way to his office. I hadn’t felt this baby move ever since I was up in the wee hours of the morning (not sleeping well at all). He hadn’t moved all throughout my morning routine and I had all sorts of scary imaginings of “fetal demise” (stupid baby shows) on the way in to the office, but figured that maybe the baby was tired from being up with me all night. Sure enough, I felt him while in the waiting room and brushed it off. My doc did no such thing. He hooked me up to the electronic fetal monitor and did a non-stress test. When all looked OK, I was released and told to do kick counts everyday from here on out, and to call if I notice anything out of the ordinary.

In the meantime, every one is waiting with baited breath. I can’t miss work without being asked if I’ve begun mat leave, and every time I call someone, they wonder if it’ll be me announcing “I’m in labor”. I’m not complaining. It’s just that I’m just watching and waiting along with the rest of you. Kind of like when everyone is watching and waiting for a person to appear and that person walks up behind them and says “whatcha lookin’ at?” Yup. That’s how it feels.

In the meantime, I ordered and received my Moby wrap! Last night I practiced tying it onto M (while he pretended to be a bible character because of all the drapey fabric must have made him feel like Moses or something) and gave him a tour of how the baby goes in, then later I practiced tying it onto myself – which doesn’t work so well with a big, pregnant belly. Still, it’s the piece of baby “equipment” that I’m the most excited to use. I can’t exactly explain why. I think it’s because I can “wear” the baby and be hands-free. It intrigues me. Inexplicably so.

Now if I can just get him here. . .

~Nichole

Remembering

Remember last Christmas? When I made a Christmas wish and asked Heavenly Father for a baby by this Christmas? No?

I thought I wrote about that. . . .

Anyway. It was Christmas Eve. We went to the temple to see the program and look at the lights. I stood there listening to the music and, with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart, I prayed silently and asked Heavenly Father for a baby by next Christmas. I promised that if I could have that wish, I would bring that baby to the temple lights next year.

Fast forward (almost) a year.

Remember how I waited until I was good & pregnant (like 2 months ago) to confess that plot to M? We laugh about it now, and it’s been adding fuel to our growing bonfire of anticipation.

With the holidays approaching, we’re getting all sorts of excited about having this baby and taking him to chop down a tree and going to the temple lights again – basically reliving last year, but this time we’ll be parents!

~Nichole

The Waiting

As I pointed out, I’m in the middle of another – albeit on the entirely opposite end of the spectrum – two week wait. They’re kind of parallel, though, if you think about it – the wait to find out if you’re body has received all the data and messages and has succeeded in getting pregnant and the wait to see if your body will get all the messages and signals and do what it needs to bring this child forth.

In the meantime, I put together the pack n play/bassinet last night. I also called the pediatrician to see about how I go about officially selecting her as the baby's doctor. I also called the childcare provider we're most interested in - and she doesn't have any current or future openings for an infant. (Looks like I'll be holding off and checking back often. And if that doesn't work, we'll resort to begging. . . ) Oh, and my health insurance doesn't cover the purchase or rental of breast pumps - had to at least give it a shot. Still need to get the car seat installed. You know - among other things.

~Nichole

Fast Track or Slow Coach (Another Two Week Wait)

The official post-week-38-visit report is this: cervix is dilated but not much past 1 cm, is still not very soft and baby's still a little high. In short, I've "got a ways to go". Doc also thinks that baby will be at least 8 and a half pounds.

Neither of us is running headlong towards induction. Doc won't even talk with me about induction until I'm past due (phew!) and says birthing a baby the size of mine may go much easier if my body goes into labor on its own. (Right now, for instance, my induction failure rate would be like 70% - meaning a c-section. Not cool.)

2 more weeks will give me plenty of time to get things done at work, help M finish up at school, and finish all the other prep stuff yet to do. Plus, by then M will be eligible for FMLA and can take a little more time off than 1 week, which will be nice for all of us.

I'm excited but not in much of a hurry, so we'll see what happens.

~Nichole