Waiting for the bottom to drop

It's about the time in my cycle when I start my pre-period spotting. I've been waiting for it to start as a sign - one way or the other - of whether or not I'm pregnant. So, today, this morning to be exact, I had some spotting.

But then, I have to remind myself that last time I had a whole period and was still pregnant. Ectopically (tubally) so, but still.

Ah well. Whether yes or no, I'll be trying to keep calm until this weekend, which is the earliest I can (or should) reasonably take a test. Last night I fell asleep with visions of babies (twins!) dancing in my head, so don't count on the calmly waiting part. . .

~Nichole

Here's your sign(s)

Strange lower abdominal cramping a little too early? Check!

Low back pain? Check!

Strange bowel issues? Check!

Of course, these all might just be side effects of an oncoming menstrual cycle-slash-stupid sickness my body is battling with not getting right now. . .

Time, of course, will always tell. I just wish he weren't so slow at it!

~Nichole

Because you're dying to know. . .

. . . I'm not pregnant yet. "Duh!" you say. "It's way too early!" you say. Ummmm, yeah. I know. It's just that. . . did you know a woman's "fertile window" can be all over the place? Can open and close at different times in each cycle? Can be from, like, Day 7 to after the beginning of her next cycle?

Ummmm, what?!

Yeah.

Apparently. Because that's what I've been reading all over the web today.

Stupid web. Stop being so smarty-pantsed! You're starting to freak me out!

~Nichole

Whatchamacallit

So, after some initial confusion that went something like this:

M: (continues to contracept)
N: (is confused because of previous conversations - see previous post)
M: (totally oblivious)
N: You confuse me (just so we're clear).

The next morning:
M: (coming home from a church meeting and hugs me to soften the fact that I'm grouchy from all the confusion) So when are we going to start a family?
N: (?????) When you stop confusing me!
M: What?
N: You confuse me with all your "family" talk but then you're up to your old tricks. I'm confused.
M: (obviously equally confused) But we said October and it's only the end of September.
N: (dawns on me he has no idea about how ovulation works and has not, in fact, been tracking cycles for the past year like I have). OK. This is how it works. It's either now. Or early November.
M: OK. Now.

Yeah. After all that, "we're trying".

I said those words out loud to another human being for the first time last night. It was weird. But also kind of cathartic. I wanted to tell H when I saw her on Saturday, but it never came up. And I half want to tell B on one of our many phone chats, but how do you say something like that over the phone? And I've vowed to keep that secret from my family - vowed not to myself or to M, but to my mom (yes I am that cruel) because she kept asking.

Instead, the first person I uttered that confession to was L, a friend from my ward and the wife of M's former first counselor. She and her hub are also "trying" - so in the event we both end up preggo, we'll be on this road together. So, I figured she was a good choice for a confidant.

I have the typical "trying" worries: what if it doesn't happen the first time, what if I have an ectopic again, what if I miscarry, what if I get dog sick, what if I'm a total pregnancy wimp. . . you know - all those.

I had a lot more to say, but now I can't remember.

~Nichole

And So it Begins

So last night, M sat next to me after dinner and asked "so when do you want to start"?

I played it coy and said "start what?"

He said "start trying" (which I already knew).

So we talked about it. We talked about timing and what it would mean this month, next month, the month after that. He said he's worried about the economy. I said the economy and having a baby are not related. Not really. The economy's going to be the economy no matter if we start now or in a few months.

Later I said, "if you want to wait a few months. . . " He cut across my words and said "I don't want to wait a few months."

So, I guess this is it. We're going to jump off the cliff, hand in hand. Let's hope we land softly (or at least in a soft place).

~Nichole

Sunday morning

We've had a lot of conversations lately. All more positive than the "restaurant scene" I last posted about. (Well except that one where my husband quizzed me about my current weight and said "I thought you wanted to get down to 150?" You bet I had a ready answer for that one that went something like "I don't see you out there doing it with me! It's hard work! So until that happens, leave it be!")

But mostly positive. Yeah.

Like yesterday morning when he was coming from the bathroom to get dressed for his meeting and I was just waking up. I rolled over and said "hi" and he said "so, you really wanna have my babies?" And I said "well, yeah. they'll be really cute like you and we'll love them and they'll love us. and they'll take care of us when we're old. so yeah."

He says "we'd better have at least 3 to maximize our chances that they'll stick around to take care of us." (He read this in some textbook or magazine article, I'm sure of it.)

~Nichole

Say WHAT!?

Not that he hasn't said it before, but M was going on about it more last night. In front of friends. So it was more worrisome than normal.

He was going on and on about how pregnant women are "unsexy" and "unattractive". I asked him when on earth these sentiments started. "Oh, forever" he says. Deep-seated. Great!

I asked him why they're just now coming up regularly in conversation. "Because we're getting closer to that." Great!

"But don't worry. You'll be fine!"

Great!

~Nichole

Blah and Missing

So. Yesterday I was sick - still am - but we had to go to Waldemart for butt paper. So, I'm drudging through the store and we pass the "baby" section. And I feel myself listlessly submit myself to that section and all it entails. And then, as quickly as that happened, I found myself wondering what the crap just happened. Ultimately, I determined that I was run down by this stupid sickness and that it was an indifferent sort of acceptance, a tired acknowledgement.

And yet. . .

And yet, there are moments that skulk up on me - like it did today - when I have a sneaking suspicion that we are missing out on the amazing sublimity that comes with being parents. I can't quite put words on it. It's the sense that we're living an incomplete life. We're perfectly, if ignorantly, happy. We feel complete. But there's this missing element. The elephant in the room everyone else has already seemed to acknowledge, give a name, and make the honorary family pet.

Somedays we can't imagine our life with kids. The mundanity, stress, and demand of it scares us. REALLY scares us. That whole going from a couple to a family thing is a little unnerving. Like leaving your best friend to go study abroad. Or leaving for a mission. You'll come back to normal life eventually, but it will never ever be the same. No matter how much you hope. And in the meantime, you will miss it. Even as you eventually leave it all behind. And ultimately forget about it. After all, what else is nostalgia for?

I worry that we'll either hate it or love it. I'm betting on the love it one, which worries me almost as much as the "hate it" option, because I tend to second-guess myself - and if I love it I know I'll wonder why we waited so long. And then, I'll have to remind myself - like I have with SO many other things in my life - that I made this important decision a matter of prayer. That I prayed about it. That it wasn't just me. That this Big Decision involves the agency and choice of at least two other human beings - my husband and an imagined child.

Realizing this will help me have peace. That we did it when we believed it was best for us. And when we were supposed to.

~Nichole

Things that Make You Go Hmmmmmm

I've been off the prenatals for over a week now. Even after cutting them in half, the unpleasant side effect of constipation was too much for me to handle. Especially when trying to lose weight!

M came home yesterday, full of stories of women at work trying to get pregnant and having multiple miscarriages and how he heard on the radio that Robitussin loosens the mucous membranes in the body (especially the ones important for fertility) and how this doc said a little Robitussin can improve fertility.

I talked briefly about how I hope I will be OK and not have to go through another ectopic pregnancy, and how I hope it happens quickly when we start to try.

He said "are you kidding!? I have super sperm!" and then proceeded to take a quick, verbal inventory of his own health and eating habits.

Needless to say, I sat there kind of shocked. This is honestly, without a doubt, the most open conversation he's ever had with me about conception/fertility/etc.

I said "Wow! You must really want to get me pregnant!" Probably not the best response (gauging by his "eh. . . " that followed), but I was too much in shock to be eloquent or even pull out an "awwww" or two.

Plus, sometimes I fear my tendency to overreact to his openness on the subject will scare him away.

Like when he approached me about a month ago and said "if that's going to be the baby's room (referring to the room next door to the office in which I was sitting at the time), I want to have that picture of the jungle animals on the wall." To which I responded, "Oh, OK. You mean the one we saw at the swap meet?" and followed it quickly with "awwww. I love you!"

His response? "That's just because I'm talking about having a stupid kid!" Crush! Bang! Boom! It felt like he had just handed me flowers, but before I could take them, he threw them on the ground and stomped all over them. I told him as much. It SO didn't faze him.

SO, last night's conversation was. . . very very surprising. Hence, my underreaction. I was trying to play it cool.

Whether or not I succeeded, only time will tell. For sure.

~Nichole

I've Been Thinking. . .

I started this blog as a fun way to track my eventual pregnancy. Because I'm cool (and a little OCD) like that.

Right now, we're still in the "thinking" stages. Yes, I know that's not "how it works" but I'm a creature of habit and my husband practically grows roots where he's planted, so movement in any direction often takes us a while.

I had an unplanned pregnancy in January of 2007. At the time, I was overweight, undernourished, in a life fog, and lost in my own self. Honestly, the "unplanned" part of this pregnancy really got to me the most. Given that I'm such a "planner" it really threw me off and I was disappointed. But, within days I had adapted to the idea and was ready for it. So, to find out a week later that the pregnancy was ectopic and not viable was very very hard.

Right now I secretly fear a couple of things: that it'll happen again, that I won't get pregnant on the first or second shot (after having it happen on the first shot the last time), or that I'll miscarry. But mostly, I think the whole experience was just a swift kick in the rear for me to get on the right track, get myself ready and set out toward convincing my hub. Meanwhile, I have been reading an exhaustive amount of stuff related to all things pregnancy since that time (because I'm OCD like that!).

So. As of today, I've been taking folic acid every day for over a year. This week I started taking prenatal vitamins (in halves) every day. And a few months ago I began a "fitness routine" which consists of me "running" (jogging) and this past week I ramped it up to 5 times a week.

I have the mutually (?) agreed upon dangling carrot of October keeping me going. (Well, for me it's a dangling carrot. For him, I think it's more like a guillotine.)

I'm hoping to lose about 20 more pounds before then and to start things off really healthy this time.

~Nichole