I'm still spotting. A little more than yesterday, and a few red drops. Also cramping still. Today brought some dizziness and more fatigue and waves of nausea.
In my more imaginative moments, I envision that I'm pregnant and that the spotting and cramps are due to the redecorating party going on in my uterus. You know how it is with those things. Inevitably, it gets worse (and messier and dustier or, you know, spottier) before it gets better. Right?
I broke down and bought home pregnancy tests tonight. I was going to take one Wednesday, but moved it up (in my mind) to tomorrow. Then M saw them and was like "are you going to take one? I wanna see!" I said "but what if it's negative? I'll be peeing on dollars here!" "Just take one!" "You're seriously gonna stand here and watch me pee on a stick?" "Yeah! I've never seen this!" "How is it you've missed this all the times I've done it?" (Oh yeah! That's because your wife runs a covert pee-stick operation every time she does it because-she's-secretive-like-that! Cuckoo!)
So, I played Vanna White and showed him his way around a hpt: "here's the absorbent tip where you pee, here's where you put your thumb to hold it firmly, here's where you get the results" etc. etc.
When you're trying to aim for that stupid tip and bein' all careful and stuff - oh and your husband's watching you - it's hard to just. . . pee. So, I dispatched M to fetch me a cup. He brought me a small glass dessert bowl, saying it would be easier. I specified "a small orange cup!" and he brought me a medium one, asking "this is orange, right?" before further inquiring "how many cups have I drank out of after you've peed in them?" (If only you knew. . . ) "I rinse them very thoroughly and then they go through the dishwasher, so I think you're safe."
Rookie stands over the test, watching it develop. Veteran goes back to the computer, assuring him it will take at least 3 minutes to show results.
He comes in to the office and says "there's only one line." I say "that means it's negative." He's sad. He says it's cause I'm sad, but I tell him I'm not very sad. I'm just really tired. Besides, I've left it up to God. It's really His baby anyway, and He'll let us borrow a couple when He's ready.
We talk a little about how it's crazy that some people get pregnant after one time, how some people get pregnant without even trying. And how others can try for years and have no luck.
Last night we talked about the baby that sat next to us in Sunday school. M brought it up by accusing me of having "baby eyes," and saying he caught me staring at her. I told him he was staring too. So, we both stared at her alternately throughout the class. So there.
M thinks she's the cutest baby in our ward right now and wants one just like her. Me? I just want to kiss her cheeks.
So when he's sad about the negative hpt, I know it's not just because of me. And when I'm sad about the negative hpt, I'm always holding out hope that in a few days' time there'll be two double lines on those pee sticks.
~Nichole
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