October 3, 2011
Yawn. Yawn. Yaaaawwwwwn. Yawn. YAWN!
Oh yes, I remember: There is a wide black chasm of fatigue that lives behind my eyes. Most days, I teeter on the edge of it, trying not to fall in. When, by chance, I lose my footing, I fall deeply. When I awake, it is only because I have been yanked back up to the top, and set back on that slippery rim, not because the journey has yielded up its rest.
Burping up toast I had for breakfast. Sweets that turn my stomach.
Oh yes, I remember: I set a resolve in my head to eat more healthfully this time around, to fight the whim and pull of cravings, to spend much less face time with Sonic chili dogs and burritos and chalupas from Taco Hell. Then, during times of hunger, my stomach starts to prickle and sour and get all tetchy, demanding only what is both safe and appetizing.
The truest sense of surreality.
Oh yes, I remember: “I am pregnant! I am pregnant! I am Pregnant!” my mind says over and over to no one in particular. Every once in a while, an excited, hopeful flutter rises up inside my chest, flapping against my heart. Innocent hope forever tainted by loss, the suddenness and exhilaration of the feeling startles me. I tamp it down, stomp on it, really, until it slinks to the bottom in an unmoving lump.
~Nichole
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