It's probably a little too early, but we're "trying" again. I say "too early" because it's only Day 13. The Big O doesn't happen until Day 16 or 18. But with all I've been reading, I'm worried about O coming early. I'm simultaneously trying not to worry about such things as cervical fluid and old sperm. (I told you: I know too much! That's what I get for going swimming!)
I woke up on Sunday morning, unable to sleep because a baby shower game was going through my head. See, my sis T twisted my arm after the ectopic, saying I had to have a baby shower when it happened for real. So I relented (it didn't take much) under the condition that it not be a scary Girls Only shower, but a co-ed Boys Allowed shower - something more like a party/celebration with our closest family and coupled friends. Plus, I've never been big about banishing my husband. . .
So, Sunday morning I woke up with this game going through my mind and when stuff like this happens, I make a point to write it down. While writing it down, it occurred to me that this new game would not give the seasoned pro-baby shower women any homecourt advantage over the men. Excellent!
But, as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm not even pregnant. Yet.
Whatever happens, I hope I don't go through what I went through last month. The authors of The Conception Chronicles described it succinctly:
"Once ovulation is confirmed, the countdown begins. And to add to your already borderline insanity, your mind now begins to play tricks on your body. You know the pregnancy symptoms you want to experience -- sore boobs, fatigue, an acute sense of smell. You chronically look for all of them. . . You pass time at traffic lights pressing and grabbing each boob. . . . Yes, your breasts ache this month, but why? Because you're pregnant? Because you're getting your period? Or is it because you've been poking at them for the past five days?"
"Despite the progesterone test you took to confirm you did indeed ovulate, you are certain you are not pregnant. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, but it's the only way you know how to manage your soaring expectations. . . As easily as you were able to convince yourself you could not possibly be pregnant, the next moment your convictions make a 180-degree turn, and you allow yourself to dream again."
Which in my case means I rush out and buy tests, debate about taking them, take 1 and as it turns negative, feel depressed but still hold out hope that it's just too early and that the spotting I'm experiencing is "implantation bleeding" and my body just needs a few more days to get the message that it's pregnant. And you know the rest of the gory tale: AF visits and ruins my chances for an October baby.
Eventually, over the next few days, I decide November is a nice month, and my hopes jump over 1 calendar month, landing and nestling snugly into their new home the way I hope an embryo nestles into my uterus for a comfortable 9 month nap.
And I'm very very humbled to realize how naïve I was to think I could just plan having a baby like I plan everything else.
I used to be all "These are the babies I want: Aquarius, Pisces, Cancer, or Libra. These are the babies I'd be OK with: Capricorn, Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, or Sagittarius. These are absolutely a "no": Aries and Gemini."
Dumb.
There's nothing like a miscarriage to set your priorities straight and then go swiftly to work on your husband's, until you both come to the place of humility that is "we'll take any baby we can get at any time, just let us get pregnant and we pray that it's healthy."
~Nichole
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