All of the sudden, the dawning of the Return of My Cycle is making me anxious. Like "now the pressure's on" and "are you sure you're ready to do this again so soon" kind of anxious. It's bound to happen in the next week or two, and the whole "trying" part a week or two after that. Ugh. I'm not ready.
Then G, a co-worker and kindred spirit who started on the very same day as me, came in to my office. When I told someone at work about my miscarriage, they mentioned G and his wife to me, saying they just had a miscarriage. I didn't realize it was a second-trimester miscarriage, that they lost their son at 20 weeks gestation and that this was their first pregnancy and child ~ nor that it happened on Thanksgiving Day.
I kept it together for the 30 minutes I was talking with him about it - all except for my right eye, which kept betraying my inner sadness for them, and which I tried to wipe as surreptitiously as possible while he was candidly talking with me about this experience and how they plan to try again in 6 months.
The moment he left my office, I burst into tears and said a prayer for them. I can't imagine the heartache his poor wife is feeling right now, and the similar heartache he feels but suppresses so that he can be strong for her.
I e-mailed my friend H, vowing to try one more time and turn to adoption if it doesn't work out. She relayed what she's seen happen with her newest niece and reassured me that the miracle of having your own child trumps the problems and encouraged me to stick it out.
I continued reading my "Coming to Term" book tonight. I also talked with M about my anxieties about trying again. And I toss out there, just to see how it sounds and feels, "I'll try it once more. OK, maybe two more times. But if something goes wrong on the next go around, the one after that may have to wait for a while."
Even though the entire topic is plaguing my thoughts today, mostly I'm just tired of thinking about it.
~Nichole
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