Two Trees and a Sweater

We were so busy with traveling, and I had sort of resolved myself for the worst and put it out of my mind, that I actually forgot I was pregnant the first few days of our vacation.

Then, I remembered and it kept revealing itself to me over and over again the way it does when you first find out you're pregnant.

I was prepared with pads like the doc suggested, but never needed them. "No cramping, no bleeding?" "No. No cramping, no bleeding. Just spotting."

We were in Malta and I saw this little handmade sweater. I was tempted to buy it. I showed it to M and he wanted to buy it. I was hesitant. (I'm superstitious that way - for instance, I did NOT want my nails painted red when I got the pedi because I didn't want red to remind me of the possibility of miscarriage. . . )

We bought the sweater anyway. Last night, after we got home, I was drinking some water and looked over to see that sweater draped over the back of the couch - like a beacon.

I've been nervous over today's doc appointment for the last 3 or 4 days. It's an exercise in faith. I have lots of hope - but really began to question the amount of faith I have that things will be OK. I don't have the answer. But I trust my Heavenly Father. So, I guess that's the faith part.

I was waiting in the ultrasound room and was anxious followed by calm, then anxious again. There are two paintings there - both of trees. One has 2 trees, and in the distance, 3. I thought about how M and I are like the two trees, looking off into the distance and hoping to become 3 trees. Three trees.

Chatted it up with the doc, then the moment of truth: the u/s. At first, I saw nothing. Then, black space. Weirdly shaped. Not a good sign, apparently. He also couldn't see "cardiac activity" (aka heartbeat) and isn't sure if the movement of blood we saw is evidence of heartbeat related stuff, or just blood flow.

The combination of these things, along with a drop in progesterone, don't bode well. He's 99% sure it's nonviable, but is sending me for a second opinion ultrasound tomorrow. Then, we'll go from there. He reassured me it wasn't because of the traveling and may not be related to fertility issues. It's just a crapshoot.

It's hard to break news like that to M over the phone. But, with the craziness of our schedules because of time off and such, it's my only choice. Plus, I'm a pragmatist that way I guess.

I'm still hopeful.

I get home and see that sweater and say out loud "little boy or little girl, we're ready for you whenever you want to come. and whenever Heavenly Father is ready to send you - because he'll take care of all of us."

He loves all his trees like that you know.

~Nichole