In which we try to be. . . matter-of-fact

M continues to say I don't like to think about it. It makes me sad. It makes my head hurt. I continue to feel strangely detached.

Now that the head cold is clearing, I'm realizing it's not the head cold keeping me in a foggy separation from what's happened.

I told M last night that I feel protected. I told Heavenly Father on that day of Bad News (10/28) that I couldn't do a failed pregnancy all by myself. And He listened. And my recovery has been marvelous. Seriously - nothing to report. And emotionally, I'm completely intact.

M admitted he feels protected, too. But he's still a little sad. And I understand. I really do. I've been through it before. But it's really strange to not be going through it again, and to not be going through it with him this time. I think he thinks he has to be strong for me. Or maybe that he can't be all that sad if I'm not all that sad. 'Cause the mom's supposed to be the emotional wreck, right?

We talk about timing. We talk about how we wanted a summer baby. We talk about how summer 2009 has passed for us in those terms, and now we're on to at least a year from now. We'll have been married 10 years by then. We'll be 33! I wasn't anticipating being that age when I had my first child! That makes me sad. (with tears and everything).

We talk in vague generalities about when we'll try again. I've proclaimed that we'll wait for my cycle to return, then "we'll see how I feel". He's good with that.

For now, our talk is all business. Practical. Logical. Cold, hard math. It's really all either of us can manage. And we end these business meetings with a hearty "I love you". So, that's something.

~Nichole