Doodooing It Doggy Style

Remember when I told you about this visit to my erstwhile-beloved doc? And do you know how sometimes you can relive the same conversation over and over again, mentally inserting all the things you Should Have Said?

Well, this has been stewing for weeks, so here it go. . . . (Warning TMI ahead!!)


This is how it went:

Dr. M (beginning my examination): Wow! You are constipated!
Me: Really?!
Dr. M: Yes. Just full of stool. All backed up.
Me: Hmmmm.
Dr. M: How often do you go to the bathroom?
Me: Every couple of days?
Dr. M: That’s not good! You should really be going every day, if not twice a day.
Me: Yeah. That would be my husband.
Dr. M: You really need to eat more fiber. And lots of water.
Me: I drink at least 2 liters a day, so. . . ?
Dr. M: You should probably think about taking a probiotic. At night before bed.
Me: I think I have some at home.
Dr. M: We should be like dogs. We eat, we poop. You never hear of dogs getting colon cancer.
Me: {thinks to herself – what IS it with this guy and dogs?}


This is how it should have gone:

Dr. M (beginning my examination): Wow! You are constipated!
Me: Ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer waits so long he misses his chance? Well, that was me today. I was busy and missed my chance at least twice. I tried to go a few minutes ago, but like I said, I missed my chance.
Dr. M: Well, at least you tried. How often do you go to the bathroom?
Me: Every other day or so. How often do YOU go to the bathroom?
Dr. M: Ummm. That’s not really the point here. You should really be going every day, if not twice a day.
Me: Bowel issues, Doc? Is that why you’ve gotten chubby? Is that why you’re all crankypants today?
Dr. M: I am not chubby! Besides, you really need to eat more fiber. And drink lots of water.
Me: How do you know it’s not because I’ve had low back problems for the last few weeks? Or because my hormones are out of whack and maybe (just maybe?) you should check them out, run a panel or something, before you run off and prescribe me hormonal birth control?
Dr. M: You’re right. Let’s get some blood work done. And are you seeing a chiropractor about that back?
Me: Yes I am. Thank you, Doc, for being concerned about my whole person and not using my bowel troubles to chastise me because you are frustrated I took too long to answer your questions about my menstrual cycles.
Dr. M: You’re welcome. You know, we should really be like dogs. We eat, we poop. You never hear of dogs getting colon cancer.
Me: {thinks to herself – seriously! what IS it with this guy and dogs?}


Sadly, it didn’t go like it should have. But, I AM happy to report that I have paid close attention and my bowel habits over the last few weeks are becoming increasingly canine-ish every day. Take that and smoke it, Dr. M!

~Nichole